well you…knew it from the start…someday you'd break my h/e/a/r/t/…now we're all through, so cry, cry for me…   Leave a comment

– cry for me (jersey boys)

I’ve been wanting to write for forever…But it seems so much is going on, I can’t figure out what to write about!


Well, Reed has left for Australia. I won’t see him again until…next summer. ::tears!!::

That said, the topic of studying abroad came up with Mother and, surprisingly, Mother gave me permission to go. I know, it surprised everybody. But now that she’s given me the option, I don’t know if I want to go. I want to go to China, or Japan, but I don’t know any Chinese or Japanese (On that, I’m also getting kind of nervous about me taking Chinese this Fall). That and also, my school is being such a biatch. I absolutely HATE George Mason. I’m fed up with their counselors, and the people who are supposed to help you. In short, if I do this studying abroad thing, I will have to figure it out on my own. Another reason why I don’t want to go is, if I continue all 4 semesters here, and I somehow miraculously get all A’s in every class, my GPA will only be as high as a 3.6. That will hardly get me in anywhere!!! If I study abroad, my credits won’t transfer into my GPA, so it’ll be even lower. I guess I could study abroad in the summer, but then I won’t be able to work.

Idk…Mother says it’s more important for me to study abroad. Now that’s another thing. Now that she knows I can/should study abroad, she wants me to, which basically means I can’t not.

Idk, I have no qualms about the actual studying abroad, I’m just terrified of the pre-study work. I should be getting used to complications by now but, every time life gets too complicated, I miss my dad more and more.

Ok, on another note. I bought a bunch of stuff off Strapya-World.com. I can’t wait until it comes. O, and I got a new cell phone. : ) I was kinda anxious about it because before I bought, I did so much research on three phones, and then the day I bought it, I impulsively chose the one I knew nothing about because it looked cool. : ) O wells, it’s been alright so far, I guess.

I have no internet at home because we’re upgrading and the people won’t be by until next week to set it up.

I don’t want to go to this training in Georgia. It’s effin annoying. And so much freakin work. And all the shazz we’re supposed to know before we come? I know like…1 thing off the list. I’m not even freakin kidding.

Hermmmmm….What else………………..I’m not really sure. Lolz.

O yea…one big thing….

So…my goals in life are basically:
1. Do well in school
2. Get a house/Get own place
3. Be successful and rich

I guess I’m doing alright in the first one. The second one…

I wanted to go to grad school far away. Circumstances had me go to undergrad at home, and aside from hating the school with an extreme passion, I don’t mind too much that decision. For awhile though, I wanted to move out even though I was staying near home for school. I just wanted to get out! After awhile I accepted my fate and just stayed at home, but decided that no matter where I went to for grad school, I would still move out. After realizing that my GPA is so bad, I subconsciously accepted that I might have to go to school around here again, but even if that was so, I would still move out, so I spent awhile looking at studio apartments around here and in D.C.

But you know what, I want a house. I want a family home. I want to one day live in a mansion, but that’s not happening anytime soon, so I’ll settle for a nice townhouse, or a single home, with at least 4 bedrooms, a basement, big windows, big rooms, and a huge, open kitchen. And the other day, as I was thinking out loud to Otouto, I realized that I might just settle, once again, with my fate for the bigger picture. I really, REALLY want my own place…But…I also really want a house. And I want, for all her worth, to make my mother happy at least once, no matter how materialistic and superficial it is. I’ve always wanted to make her happy for my father’s sake, and getting a nice house would do it, I hope. I’ve always realized that no matter what I do, it’s not enough, but a house is THERE. It’s freaking THERE, you can’t deny it. I wouldn’t mind living with her, if it was in a house. If the space was my own. Of course, after I get the family a house, I might very well move to New York…or Japan…or France…or CHINA! And work there for years and only use my room on occasion, who knows. But I just really want that house. Aside from a good paying job, that’s the most important thing for me after grad school.

I don’t know what it is, but I’m really starting to settle for my life. I settled with staying home for undergrad, I’m settling for staying around for grad…I’m settling for not having my own place. I don’t know…I can’t stand this apartment complex. My family are not dirty people but we have cockroachs everywhere! And every few months the stupid apartment management would do a chemical thing, which requires us to move all our kitchen stuff out of our kitchen, and the treatments wouldn’t work. They’ve never worked!!! I want to move at least…but…I don’t know.

Another thing, I like fresh beginnings. Whether it’s…changing my blog name…getting a new planner…a new purse….new email address…or moving. The big things…I’m willing to put up with longer…but honestly…how good is a house going to be for me if I’m a traveler? I mean…I guess the main point is just to have a house. So that my mother can live in it until she dies (creepy)…so my brother has a place to party if he wants, or bring his friends over…so that I have a place to go when I’m on vacation from working in Japan…I don’t know.

I guess the point is that…I feel like I’m in a rut. What the hell am I doing after undergrad? Going to grad school, I know…but where? And how? How am I going to pay for it? Am I going to study abroad? Where? HOW? How am I going to pay for it?? Where am I going to work after all this schooling? Where am I going to live?? Am I ever going to get my own place? Whether it’s a flat or a house?

You know another thing…I’m kinda…IDK…anxious of living alone. I’d want a roommate, whether it be Reed or Otouto…I don’t think I’d put up with anyone else (or the other way around)…but, honestly, no joke, don’t laugh, all the horror movies I’ve sat through have given me a fear of empty places, that somehow leaked over to living alone. I think I’ve always been kind of afraid of being alone. That’s why I can’t do any work without the T.V. on in the background, I need the noise.

I hope I’m not settling for life. I think it’s just with so much going on, and my ability to, unfortunately, adapt to other people’s needs, I don’t feel like…I don’t know. I want to do diplomacy. I want to take over the world. I want to have affairs with all the hottest men on Earth (Rated R). I want to be on my own. But circumstance has made me…I don’t know…settle with sticking around. I don’t want to stay in Arlington, this area, forever. I will leave. But…it’ll take longer than I’d hoped. That makes me sad.

On a more shallow note…I thought I would be making a lot of money this summer. But little things here and there…glasses…dresses for those stupid events…printer ink…make-up hauls…cell phones…all that shizz…has made me spend over $3000 so far. And now I’ll need another hundred or so for the training in GA…a few hundred for books…and another few hundred for back to school supplies/clothes. Well…I thought I could save enough money for the Costa Rica and Europe trip but, I guess that’ll have to be done later.

Things to be done later…this summer I wanted at least to get a start on learning some Chinese, to prepare me for taking Chinese at school this fall. I’m taking beginner’s Chinese but just in case “beginner’s” meant “I took Chinese in High School and this is just review,” I wouldn’t be too behind. But of course, I haven’t gotten any studying done. I haven’t been able to start going over my French. I haven’t done anything with Japanese. I’m so…behind. This summer is…I don’t know.

Well…this has been one long and confusing post. Ha…Well…I’m just glad I got a lot of things out. I don’t think I made any decisions or said anything understandable in this post, but whatever. I’m feeling kind of down lately.

Chya, ne.



Posted July 30, 2009 by .unpaused. in Life, Picture-ed

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