một mùa thu trước mỗi hoàng hôn   Leave a comment

nhặt cánh hoa rơi chẳng biết buồn
nhuộm ánh trăng tà qua mái tóc
tôi chờ người đến với yêu thương
– chuyen hoa tigon

I just went through my collection of Random photos and…there’s nothing I wanna use that would match this post! That means!!! I need to take more pictures.

OK! So Georgia. This trip was relatively good. In one van we fit Thao, Tina, Thuy, me, Thien An, C. Mai, A. Phat, A. Phong, and C.H. I know…that’s a ton of people! But the van was pretty big, so it was nice. We stopped by Eden Center to buy a lot of food. The ride itself was just eating, sleeping, and watching The Omen. I don’t know what the hype is about that movie, it wasn’t scary at all! I had also rented Darkness Falls but we never got to it so I’m going to watch it tonight with Dolores. Lolz. So we get to Georgia and everything goes pretty fine. My group was nice. I don’t think there were any mean people, just some stupid ones, but who cares. I was at first extremely attracted to this guy named Jimmy, because, well duh, ‘cuz he was cute! But then we had a “sharing” moment that we had to do and I found out some things about him that was cool, like his motivation and why he’s in TN and stuff. Compared to him, I’m just kinda normal, there. But anyway, he has kind of a bad boy vibe, which of course I’m attracted to. But then after being in his group for awhile, I realize he wasn’t that great. He’s kind of an idiot sometimes but, it’s not something that’s major. I feel as if, if he and I were friends, I’d probably be really sarcastic to him. And I wouldn’t say that we’d argue a lot but, we would probably get annoyed with each other a lot. But anyway, there was also this other guy in our group. He was cute too. But he was quiet, and really nice. Kind of flirty nice, if you know what I mean. There was also this other guy, not in our group. He looked like a badass. Mohawk, not the shaved on both sides kind, his hair was just parted like a mohawk. Tattoo!!! We noticed him because during the pretest, he came over and asked if he could join us. Lolz. But anyway, Thuy and I talked to him a bit during one of the lessons, because we sat in the back. It was nice. He was really nice. Lolz. He added me on Facebook but he has a girlfriend. Of course, that wouldn’t stop me usually, but it also doesn’t help that he lives in Georgia. Lolz!

So the big points. I was extremely worried about teaching my lesson. We were supposed to have 10 minutes but they only gave us 5-7. I started mine and I thought I had so much time left, but then the HT in charge had to tell me I was out of time. Then he gave me an extra 2 minutes, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to finish everything in time so I just stopped. Anyway, apparently I did really well. I was glad. The HTs that were watching us to critique us said that I reminded them of someone else from California, I guess she’s good? And then one of them said that if I continue regularly with TN, in another 1, 2 years I’d be….I guess he couldn’t find a word for it because he just gave me a bunch of thumbs ups. Lolz. But as he gave me the thumbs up, the kids in my group yelled out DOAN TRUONG DOAN TRUONG! Which was kinda awkward because A. Phong was sitting right next to us and he’s our current Doan Truong. Lolz. But about A. Phong, I knew he was sitting there to watch me! HMPH! Anyway, the ppl in my group also liked my confidence and enthusiasm. Which is funny because I actually seem more confident when I’m really nervous. Heck knows that when I got up there I could feel my voice was about to crack but, for some reason that translates into smiles and laughs and cheeriness. Lolz. So anyway, the teaching thing went well.

The Big Game, went OK. We were third. We actually solved the first message first (I helped!) at the beginning but we went the wrong way. Then when we got to the second station, we couldn’t find our message. We thought the groups before us had hid it but then found out that nope, the HT had just forgotten about us. I helped solve a few messages so I’m glad. There were some idiots and really annoying people during the Big Game but, whatever, I don’t care.

I BSed the final test. O well. Lolz.

Overall it was fine. Everyone in my group were pretty nice. I liked Tina’s group, they were really united. My group was overall OK. I was surprised they added me on FB. I added Jimmy because I wanted to see the pictures he took, but then other people added me so it was cool. Lolz.

I heard that after DHNS there was some drama between the Dong Nam guys and our guys, mainly C.H., which I think is lame. So if ever we had to represent, I’d probably show no mercy. Lolz. But good gracious, honestly the guys in Dong Nam are so much hotter and cuter than the Trung Dong guys. Haha. Ok, yea.

Then on the ride home we played cards, slept…listened to music…made a MickyD’s think we were about to rob them because C.H. is an idiot and ordered 100 Chicken Nuggets. Lolz. Overall, it was a pretty good trip.

Now I guess all I have to do is finish my after camp homework…which will take at least 3 months. And then I get my red scarf? Hopefully. And then that’s it. I heard that once you get to Cap II, you can take on positions. So I said, heck no I’m not going to take on any positions. And they told me, you don’t choose them honey, they choose YOU! It was kind of like a threat. So to excuse myself from all that, I’ll try to stay as far away as possible from future trainings. I kinda wanna go back to GA to see everyone but, I’m sure they wouldn’t even remember me in a year. Lolz. So let’s see how long I can hold out for.


So I just finished watching this Taiwanese drama called Fated to Love You. Actually, I more or less skimmed through it. Lolz. At least I got the basic gist. For some reason yesterday, I thought about it at work while listening to this random Vietnamese song called Chuyen Hoa Tigon, and the two things have nothing to do with each other and I remember thinking to myself, I wish I felt something.

I wish that there was a guy who would take my face in his hands and tell me not to cry. Tell me that I was something more than just some girl. I wish there was a guy who got annoyed when I cried. Annoyed because I was hurting, not because I cry like a baby, not because I’m weak. I wish there was a guy who volunteered to help, to take me places. Someone who could just look at me and know what I was up to. Someone I could look at slyly and who knew I was up to no good, who knew that I’m staring at him intently because I’m planning on pranking him while he’s sleeping or stealing the sweater he’s wearing, but then not caring because he likes me so he’ll let me do whatever. I wish there was someone who just understood me.

It’s not just love. I want to feel heartbreak. I want to experience it, I don’t care how many times. I’m so jaded, it’s not even funny. And it’s not because I’ve been through so many relationships and I’ve been hurt so many times and blah blah blah, because I haven’t been through any real relationships and I haven’t been hurt that many times. It’s because I haven’t been in relationships and that I haven’t been hurt that makes me feel like I’ll never feel anything. It might sound crazy, but I want to feel a broken heart. Because even if it’s pain, at least I’m feeling something. If the only way I feel anything aside from coldness and sadness, even if it means getting my heart completely torn and broken, I’ll take it. I just don’t want to keep feeling nothing.

Before, I didn’t care. Hell, I sat through that whole series, Meteor Garden or whatever, when I was younger. I think I was in high school. And yes, I wished my life was like that. I didn’t wish that the love story was the same, I just wished I had a bunch of cool older guy friends who treated me like their younger sister. Lolz. But then again, the people in the series were college kids, I think. They weren’t my age. I thought I had time, I didn’t care. But now I’m at about the same age as that portrayed in the dramas. And I know it’s silly, I know I’m still young, I should have tons of time, but I feel as if by now I would’ve been broken out of my sleep and I should be starting to feel things. A little love, a little confusion, a little heartbreak, anything. But I feel nothing.

I know I know, how silly. To want to feel something that the whole world tries to avoid just because of some drama. And the drama wasn’t even that good!

Life doesn’t suck. I’m stressed. It could be better. But I’m fine with it. Everything is just “OK” all the time. I just want to feel something.

Mother told me that some fortune teller, who apparently is very accurate, even though we’re Catholic and we shouldn’t believe in such things, foretold that my life will be very good. I will be successful (?) and will be married to an equally successful husband. But I don’t care! That isn’t happening now! I want to feel something now! When I’m not feeling an intense something, I feel lost. Like something should be going on but nothing is.

Sure I can spend my time looking at people, checking people out, but I’m tired of that.

Is it silly that I wish for heartbreak? Love would be great, but I know that love isn’t always sincere. And even if it were, it won’t be forever.

I just feel kind of sad, is all. I wish that a boy would make me cry. That someone told me they didn’t love me. Because then at least I would cry. I’d get over it but at least for a little bit I would be feeling something other than lonliness.

It’s probably just a phase. But honestly, if I have to stop myself from watching dramas because the love and the heartbreak would depress me then, something’s wrong. Maybe I’m just tired of living in a daze. I’m busy all the time but nothing happens. I talk to a lot of people but I don’t hear anything. I kind of live through life like one big….dream? Cliche, I know. But that’s how it is. I’m not…depressed…I don’t think. Not yet, Lolz. I just feel…………………………….

Empty. Or…Void. Yea. That.

It must be a phase because I’m usually not like this. I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t need to call her boyfriend for help. Who can change the car tires herself. Who, by the time her boyfriend finds out she even had a flat tire, will have already fixed it, cleaned herself up and gone to get ice cream. I’m the kind of girl who doesn’t care what her boyfriend does, ever. Who doesn’t care if he sleeps around as long as she’s the main woman in his life. As long as he’s sincere to her, puts her first, he can do whatever the hell else he wants in his spare time. Which would be all the time because I’m the kind of girl who’s not needy. I’m the kind of girl who is probably very easy to hurt but very hard to break. I’m the kind who won’t care what my boyfriend does ever, as long as he’s a decent person and he loves me the most. Is that hard? Does that make me abnormal? Too complicated? I think it’s rather simple to understand but, I guess not.

I don’t know why I’m feeling so empty and void. I mean, I am all the time, empty and void. But this time it’s deeper than usual. I’m not usually like this, I usually just accept it and move on but, this time the void hurts just a little bit extra.

Well, for the sake of other people, I hope I snap out of it soon. No more dramas for me!

So I’m worried about school starting. Hee. That’s all. You think that has something to do with it? Eh, probably not…aside from the fact that at school I’ll be faced with so many guys and more proof that no one will ever take my face in their hands. But otherwise…hermmm…

Ok I’m sorry. That was extremely mushy and unlike me but, it happens sometimes so, sorry but deal with it!

Chya ne!


Posted August 19, 2009 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: