nỡ quên mau yêu thương ngày nào
vầng trăng héo úa với tiếc thương
cho tình vội xa
– nửa vầng trăng
Last week on my way home from school I saw both Tony and Tai. Two different days, around the same place though. It got me to remembering…..
Years ago, both of them tried to claim me as theirs. Haha, it was kinda funny actually. I’d met them through two other girls, who they were crushing on at that time. Over time though, I became closer to them than those two other girls, mainly because I became just their friend while the other two were trying to push them away.
So anyway, I remember it was around Lunar New Year one year, I met up with them at church to help set up decorations for the big mass. And at one point we were joking around and I guess someone must’ve said something to me or grabbed me or something, when one of the other boys said, out loud, “Be careful man, she’s ______ girl.” I was kind of taken aback but I didn’t think anything of it. O, the blank is because I can’t remember if they said Tony or Tai, both of them were there, Haha! Anyway, later that same day, all of us ran up to the church attic to explore, and Tony went to lay down on one of the benches up there, and I stood around just looking and didn’t notice that all the other boys left. So when I finally noticed that, I was also standing right next to Tony’s bench, and he grabbed me and made me sit down next to him. Just sit there. Haha! I don’t remember how that ended but someone must’ve come up and called us or something, IDK!
And then later, it was winter-ish, still cold outside, I think I was either with that ex-boyfriend of mine or it was sometime around then, I don’t have that great of a memory. I forget all the real details, Lolz. I was standing around the altar-boys’ changing room because the office was there and I needed to get something, when I felt an arm wrap around my waist and come to my side, turned around and it was Tai. Haha, I don’t remember what I did after that.
Here’s the important part, Lolz. I was in….8th grade when this happened. It was Otouto’s First Communion and after the mass everyone went downstairs for the reception. Tony found me, grabbed my hand, told me he needed to ask me something, and handinhand we started upstairs to where the church was. Haha, fate was not on my side though, because just as we turned the corner to go up the stairs, we run into, none other than, my MOTHER! She takes one look at us, glances down at our hands, and immediately says something like “I need your help with something.” And walks off. So obviously Tony didn’t get to tell me whatever it was he wanted to tell me. (Obviously that night after I got home I got the bitching of my life, but Lolz, I expected it. I made up some excuse about how we were just shaking hands because at school they’d enforce some rule about no hugging (he didn’t go to my school), which was true, but I don’t remember if I said this in front of Tony or after I got home, anyways.) For years after that we lost contact. He didn’t contact me, I didn’t contact him, I just forgot. Later I found out that he did end up going out with that other girl (the one who introduced us in the first place). Why? You ask? Because he got hot. Haha! I mean, I’d always been attracted to him a little bit I guess, but OMG he got HOT. Like…WHOA! High school does that to you, I guess. Lolz. So she and he went out and she was my friend and he and I never really got anywhere so I never brought anything up again. Then some years later, I guess I was in 10th grade? I started Wushu and he was there. At that Wushu school. I guess by then my mother had forgotten about “the incident” because when she saw him she told him that he should help me learn Wushu. Lolz. But of course we didn’t talk much, it was awkward, he was hot, he was always going through tough times with that other girl and, I didn’t wanna get involved. For some reason every now and then he’d call me very briefly. One time he called me the day my Pops died and said he needed to talk, but I said I was busy so he told me to call him back. I never did. I thought he must’ve been drunk dialing so, I didn’t bother because I didn’t see why I should. Then I quit Wushu and since then I haven’t seen him. I mean, I’ve seen him at church sometimes but, it’s awkward. I’m not sure if I’m supposed to say Hi or not.
Ok the point of all this was just that, after seeing them, I kinda felt really curious, like what in the world woulda happened if I’d gone out with them? What woulda happened if I….never broke up with Louis? Said Yes to Hoa? Noticed Abdul? Went upstairs and Tony had asked me what he wanted to ask me? Called Tony back? Kept in contact with Tai? Kept going with Max? Talked more to that guy in the choir who kept trying to talk to me? Didn’t ignore Kevin after that math class? I always thought that me not being in a relationship or being lonely or whatever, was someone else’s fault. Those stupid boys, they don’t like girls like me. They’re shallow, mean, whatever blah blah blah. But now I realize….OMG most of this was my fault! Hahaha. I broke up with Louis because I let my step-sister and my friend get to me. I said No to Hoa because….I let my step-sister get to me. I didn’t notice Abdul because I…was stupidly a child. I didn’t go upstairs with Tony because we got stopped by my mother and afterwards I felt awkward so I didn’t try and contact him. I didn’t call Tony back because…I didn’t want to. I didn’t stay in contact with Tai because, I didn’t feel like it. I didn’t keep going with Max because I was lazy. O Max….I didn’t talk to that guy in choir no matter how many times he tried making conversation with me because I was too shy and didn’t know anything! I ignored Kevin after math class because I was scared and embarrassed. And now…NOW? Now I’m an almost 21 year old with no real relationships, one best friend, a lonely existence who finally realizes that I’m this way because it’s my fault! I mean, I really don’t know how this revelation will help me much, it’ll probably just make me more mad at myself, but at least it shows me that there’s hope for me. It’s not other people, well nowadays it might be, but before it wasn’t. I let go of possibly beautiful relationships because I was scared, cliche, I know! And now I keep looking at boys who don’t even notice me. Now I don’t even care. I think boys are just good eye candy and relationships are doomed to fail and that’s preventing me from getting anywhere.
Random ramblings aside…I need to step up for myself. I don’t need a relationship. I don’t want to worry about another person, but now I know that my situation isn’t something that’s inevitable. It could’ve been different. If the past can be different, so can the future. : )
Wow all that just for that one revelation? I think too much.
O….P.S. Technically, if I never broke up with Louis, Hoa woulda never asked me out (they were best friends). Tony and Tai’s stuff happened while I might’ve still been with Louis so if I never broke up with him, I never woulda gotten anywhere with Tai or Tony unless, they influenced me to break up with Louis. Also if I never broke up with Louis, Max wouldn’t’ve gotten close with me because I woulda still been with Louis. And the choir guy is still the same and Kevin is still…what?
Haha, all these ifs ifs would’ves. No more ifs! No more would’ves!