mắt sâu chìm trong đáy hồn
một người nhìn em.. dạt dào thầm kín
vẫn chưa lần đến bên em
– cõi mộng
Um…I can’t imagine…a few more months and I’ll be done with this semester…Then I work a few months…then I’ll be in Japan for the summer…and when I get back I’ll be a college senior and I’ll be applying to Grad school! And applying for scholarships and looking for money to go to Grad school! I’ll be doing the application process all over again! I’ll be running around like a headless chicken like I was doing four years ago! And after I find out about Grad school, I’ll be looking for an apartment. I’ll be moving out most likely! My god…How the hell did I even get it? It’s like…I remember being young, and I remember now and…it’s like…how did I get here?
It’s like the other day I was driving down Braddock Rd. and distinctly remember being in the right lane and all of a sudden I realized I was in the left lane. I don’t remember signaling, don’t remember changing lanes…I was just there.
Also…about Japan…It’s like…a few months ago I was like…OMg so many things are happening next summer and now I won’t be doing any of those things. I mean, I’d give up those things for Japan anytime but…when I come back, it’ll be like I was never really here. Like I just appeared out of nowhere. For example, next year we’ll have that thing, the pilgrimage at the Basilica in June or something. And seeing as how I won’t be there, Cuong will probably be first chair in the orchestra for the choir. And not only for that event but for all the weeks I’m not here, he’ll be sitting in my place. And then I come back and I go back to my place in the orchestra and play every week or maybe at the next next summer’s event…and people’ll just be kind of like…Who is that? She wasn’t here last summer. Why’s she sitting there? It’ll be like I just appeared out of nowhere. It’ll be like my life here, the life I’ve had and have been living never really…happened. I never really existed here. I mean…it’s not so much of a change. It’s only a few months, not even a year…people might still remember me but…it’ll be…it’ll be like I have to start over. Not so drastically but…I don’t know.
I just know it feels weird. I want to go to Japan. I will go to Japan. And my life is so empty right now it’s not like it’ll be that much of a change. But, it will feel odd being that person who all of a sudden reappears out of nowhere, if you’re not important enough, people will have forgotten that you were even here in the first place.