I've heard that it's possible to grow up – I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.   Leave a comment

Without parents to defy, we break the rules we make for ourselves. We throw tantrums when things don’t go our way, we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark, we look for comfort where we can find it, and we hope – against all logic, against all experience. Like children, we never give up hope… – Meredith Grey quotes (Grey’s Anatomy)

Today is my birthday. I’m 21. I feel empty. I feel like…the world is slowing caving in. Well, maybe not so drastic.

Today I realized that…I wanted to cry. I want to cry right now. I feel…unable. That’s it. Just unable.

Usually I don’t care much for my birthday. I hardly even pencil it in. Or if I do, I usually draw a frown next to it because, I don’t want to get older. This year I looked forward to it. I’m 21 for goodness’ sake. But just as soon as it came, I realized why I never looked forward to it before. It’s a sad day. It reminds me of my existence, one in which I’m not proud of, in which I feel small and unnecessary.

I think my life has always been pretty empty. But for some reason today I feel emptier than usual. It’s like I wish it wasn’t my birthday, but why?? I was so looking forward to it before! I guess, at first I wanted this day to come, and then it came and I feel alone. My friends are away. Reed’s in Australia, Dolores is at school. Tonight, I’m going out to eat with the Van Lang girls. I’m excited and yet, I, sadly, half don’t want to go. I kind of just want to lay under the covers, sink into the bed and cry myself to sleep. I don’t know why! It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with the girls, of course I wanna hang out with them, but I’m afraid I might not be any fun. Lolz.

I half think that maybe I’m just depressed because so many things are happening and yet nothing is happening at all. I feel still, inactive. I feel as if there’s so much I should be doing but I’m not doing any of it. I feel, behind.

Herm, I’m rambling.

Ah well. today should be a happy day. But I’m breaking down and it’s not fun at all! What if I start tearing up tomorrow at the dinner?? Worse, what if I just break down!!?? That’d be so awkward. Better get it out of my system right now. Haha.

I wonder if all my birthdays from now on will be like this. Me, alone, with all the birthday wishes I could ever wish for and yet with an intense feeling of unwanted sadness. This is so odd! I feel stupid getting upset like this. Getting upset that it’s my birthday for god’s sake! What the hell. Haha.

Don’t ask me why I haven’t moved on. I miss my daddy. I shouldn’t be doing this to myself. I mean, even when he was alive some of my birthdays sucked! I remember on one birthday he and mother got in a fight and I was literally left crying in the living room. Lolz. Nowadays, I either get to celebrate my birthday with friends or, rarely but sometimes, with family. So why do I feel lonelier now?

I’m surrounded by all these people and yet I feel unattached. Not connected. Like I’m kind of just, floating through what should be happening and not at all a part of it.

Haha, a part of me thinks that I’m probably just freaking out because at 21 I’ve never had a “significant other” to share my birthday with. But I don’t think it’s really that. I never cared that much before. Hell I don’t care for significant others ever, why would I care about it now? Besides, I have friends to celebrate with, don’t I? I do.

Soo…in the end I don’t know why I’ll be in a bad mood the rest of today. I don’t know why I’ll feel sad the rest of the day. I don’t know why I’d rather sit in a corner of my room and rock myself to sleep instead of being out with friends. I don’t know why anything. I wish I knew. I think if I knew, I’d feel a little less like I want to tear my heart out and hang it somewhere to dry.

Ew. Gross.

Well.

Chya.

Posted December 12, 2009 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

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