tìm về, mãnh vườn hoa thắm, hái bông tằm xuân trao nàng   3 comments

lời hát ân tình hồng hồng đôi má
ơi đời sống yên vui là vui
dìu nhau đi vào chung bóng mơ
– khúc hát ân tình

Listenin to this song over and over because I’m choreo-ing it for Lunar New Year. Blah….

———-

I’ve really been trying to put off this New Year’s Post. I did a post on what I DID on New Year’s, but not the other crap. Lolz. Well…I guess I might as well start with my New Year’s Resolutions.

These never amount to much but….whatever. Haha.

1. Be a better lover — I love many things. I love playing my violin. I love listening to music. I love playing music. I love the piano. I love reading, I love writing, I love drawing and sketching. I love doing. In the past year and even farther back, I’ve slacked in my duties and have been avoiding my responsibilities. This year I will try to make it up to all my loves as often as I can.

2. No more walks of shame — I hate speaking and not being answered. I hate being wrong. I hate not knowing things. I feel embarrassed when Otouto can hit a note with his pinky AND vibrato it and I can’t make my pinky stretch even half way. I hate when I can’t even remember a simple Chinese character. I hate not being able to speak full sentences in French. I hate that I’m going to Japan with no knowledge whatsoever of the Japanese language. Before I leave in March I’ll have to fix the Japanese problem, and the rest of the year I’ll work on the other stuff. : )

3. Break less hearts — I have to admit, I have quite the temper. I’ve made my Mother cry plenty of times. I don’t like that feeling. First off, I hate cry-ers. Second off, I hate that it’s my Mother. Well, mostly when we argue it’s me crying, but every now and then she pulls the crying thing too and I’m just like…I don’t like that. Yes, I am a hypocrite. I also don’t like feeling guilty for beating up my brother. Last year we got into this huge fight and I beat him so bad. I mean…I’m like a foot shorter than him and all but, my mother was also in between us so I didn’t kill him or anything but I was so mad, I’ll admit it, I beat him. Not “beat” him, I literally kicked, punched, slapped. I HATED that feeling afterwards! The part I hated most was when I landed a big slap on his cheek. My brother, at 16 years and almost 6 feet, still has babycheeks, to me at least. And when I slapped him, immediately I felt guilty because that’s the only part of him that resembles a “baby” and it’s the only part of him that, in my rage, reminded me that he’s my younger brother. I didn’t feel bad hitting him everywhere else. It made me feel even worse that he was cowering under my thrashes….I’m sure he wanted to fight back but Mother was there and she was trying to stop me and so, he probably couldn’t. I don’t like that I have a temper. I know I get it from my Mother because we’re the only two who fight all the time in the family. Father only yelled at me every now and then and usually because I started it. Otouto takes cover in his room every time there’s an argument. He and father are alike in that they’re quiet and they can be surprisely calm while Mother and I are just at each other’s throats. I mean, I don’t just yell and scream for no reason. It’s usually Mother’s been bothering me and the yells and screams build up over a period of a few months and then all of a sudden something snaps and I go crazy. I know it hurts Mother when I argue with her and yell at her, and it hurts brother when I call him names and shizz, and I always feel bad or guilty about it. So, this year I’m going to try and be MORE calm and MORE chill. But balanced. Usually what happens is I’m calm and chill for a few months and whatever Mother or Brother does or throws at me I just take it and take it and take it, and then finally they REALLY do something and I blow up and then I go back to taking it for a few more months and then I blow up again. Maybe I’ll try to address the problems as they come so that we don’t have a yell fest every few months. I guess this is my biggest problem — my temper. Blah.

4. Be more active — I will lose weight this year! It’s gotten to the point where I’m not wanting to lose weight to look good, I need to lose weight to feel good. I’m not in the worst health, I know that. But still, every now and then something’ll hurt for no reason. It’s a bone or a muscle that shouldn’t be hurting, and I know it’s because of my weight. My ankle’ll give, when I’m not even wearing heels or anything! I can’t dance very well with this body shape either. Well…I can…but it doesn’t look very good. This also means I need to spend less time daydreaming. I mean…I don’t do it often but…still. Daydreaming days are over. Time to act.

5. See more people — I’ve always been really shy when meeting new people. I never really know what to say or how to act. I’ve always kind of lived a double life. There’s this…me who my closest friends know. There’s this other me that other people created. I’m not sure which I’m supposed to be when I’m meeting new people so to avoid the problem, I just don’t bother meeting new people. For some reason, people’s parents have this image of me and I have no idea where it came from. I have to watch myself when I’m out anywhere because I don’t know which group of people is around. So, to avoid that problem…I don’t go out! Haha. Well, starting this year, I hope to be more comfortable around people. To learn to be OK with rejection. I don’t know where I got a fear of rejection from because as I remember, I’ve never been “rejected” before. Herm…O well. This resolution will be extremely important since I’m going abroad. I don’t want to be “little nhu y in big japan” as Thuy put it. I need to be “little nhu y surrounded by new friends in big japan.”

6. Be on time for dates — I’m such a slacker…NO lie! I’m a hugeeeee butt procrastinator….Honestly…my terrible grades are due half to the fact that I’m lazy and I’m a procrastinator. I can’t keep being like that. Now has come the time at which procrastination and laziness of any amount will hurt me. Today I’m going to start by doing all the bills and paperwork I’ve been putting off and then…we’ll go from there.

7. Save money for my boytoys — Ok….here’s the truth…I began the New Year with about $20 to my name. That’s in the bank and cash in hand. I know…Double-You Tee Eff??!! I tried looking back at my bank account and honestly…I can’t figure out where my money all went. I mean…I know I spent it but….on WHAT? In the end…I concluded that most of my money went to frivolous little purchases that must come to an end. This break I need to make money that will be my spending money overseas. There is no joke to be had. I can’t just keep spending my money on random, useless shizz. After this studying abroad trip….I’ll be needing money for Grad School Applications…Then money for my first place….then money for the backpacking trip through Europe with Reed and then money for the Costa Rica trip with Reed and Sara….I can’t just be spending my money on random crap anymore when all these things are coming up within the next three years!

8. Pretend I’m 21 — Ok so you guys have probably heard this many times from me and maybe from other people too but, I had a pretty grown-up childhood. Here’s the cliche — I was forced to grow up too quickly! Honestly, I miss the days of elementary school and middle school when I’d come home from school and Father would help with homework, and then Farther would cook dinner, and then Otouto and I would eat dinner with Father, and then Otouto, Father, and I would watch some TV, do some homework, and then Father would put Otouto and I to bed. Those days all went away in high school. Father got sick, Father passed away. I took over the responsibilities of the family. I’ve been handling those responsibilities for the past 5 years and I’ll keep handling them, maybe for the rest of my life. Because of the situation…I feel like I got part of my child/teenage hood stolen from me, and I make up for it by acting like a child. I have no problem with being a child at heart but, I have to start being better at growing up. I’m still living with Mother because…I can’t leave her and Otouto….and for the rest of my life I’ll probably always be somehow confined to a stunted growth because of my daughterly duties…so even when I grow it’s a halting growth. I’m not at all complaining about what or how much I have to do. I don’t mind at all. It helps make me feel grown up and adult-like….but I need to be more comfortable with it. I’m probably never going to fully grow up in my heart. Somewhere in my mind I’ll always keep the image of a happy, six year old child. Haha, people’s parents are always assuming I’m the same age as their kids. I wish! Life was easier then. But I need to realize that life isn’t easy now, it’s never going to be easy again. And I have to somehow be OK with that.

I guess that’s all the important stuff. Watch me add more as I go along.

I can honestly say that I’m starting 2010 fresh. Today I sent out a bunch of emails that I’ve been putting off. I emailed C. Ha and asker her about her dad. I emailed Cha Minh and Cha Duc with a mini update and a “how are you doing?” I took care of the little crappies for TN…there’s more but I’ll have to do those at home. Tonight I’m going to try and get through all the bills…paperwork….and look through the rest of the grad schools in the list I saved on Peterson’s Graduate Channel. After that comes more stuff but…it’s all the things I can actually do right now. I will get those all done! Ta-bun!

Welps, that’s all for now folks. I’m thinking of creating a blog in which I will document my travels. If I do end up making a blog for such, I’ll probably do it on Tumblr. Actually…I’m kind of thinking of moving this blog to Tumblr too, but Tumblr works a bit differently from other blog formats so…it’s kind of hard to make the transition. I don’t know…we’ll see.

Happy reading!

Chya ne!

Posted January 12, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

3 responses to “tìm về, mãnh vườn hoa thắm, hái bông tằm xuân trao nàng

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  1. LOL wow I thought I was the only person that really really hits and beats up my brothers. Technically I really can’t…. cause theyare strong, but I fight back which my mom always yells me at…

    You have good New Years resolution! I’m jealous. I always think I need to improve everyday and not just like… once a year D; so I have a resolution everyday. Or I atleast try to… and fail all of them. LOL.

    But anyways its good you’re trying hard every year. You’re already a good person though so don’t worry too muchabout trying tobetter yourself😀

    • Lolz, I think it was the first time I really beat him up. HAHA! OMG I can imagine you fighting back with Binh…Geezuz, I’m sorry Thuy but I’m afraid you would lose. HAHA.

      I think there’s a lot more possible resolutions I could have but, I tried to keep it to the main stuff. I probably won’t be successful in any of these but I can always try!

      Lolz, Thank you Thuy. : )

  2. I had no New Year’s resolutions. Am I a bad person?

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