tung ngay troi qua voi bao nuoc mat,
mot chieu thu sang roi bao la vang,
nhu tinh ta, nam ay da tung, vui hanh phuc,
noi ay bay gio, chi con ta…
– vo tan
This week is going to be a hectic week for me. My Petition for Transfer of Credit form is due to the registrar this Friday, but the course descriptions only came in last night. Yesterday I went and met with a professor that…I guess she was just in charge of Japanese studies at Mason. I wanted to go with her so she could sign off on my Japanese Language class, but it’s ended up that she’s trying to help me figure out my course equivalents too. She actually asked me for the contact at Momoyama’s info, so she could email him herself, which I assume she did because when he sent us the course descriptions, it was an email to her. Everyone else was just CC’ed. Lolz. So anyway,tomorrow afternoon I’m going to meet with So-Sensei, the lady that I met with yesterday and asked for the contact’s information. She’s going to go over all the available courses with me and hopefully help me figure out which courses at Mason can be considered an equivalent. After that I will have to meet with each of the undergraduate directors for all the departments at Mason that have the course equivalents so they can sign my Form. After that I have to go to my Major Advisor and get him to sign, then the Dean of my College, and then some other people too. All this before 5PM this Friday. HAAAA I am so not going to make it. I think I’m going to email all the undergraduate directors that I think I might have to ask for signatures from, that way when I do just show up, it won’t be so much of a surprise. MAN! But, after I finish this form, all I have left to do is my Visa and then…packing…
Wow…Haha…a month from tomorrow I’m going to be on a plane to Japan. JAPAN! I haven’t even been back to Viet Nam!
…..I’m extremely nervous. Yesterday as I was driving home after meeting with So-Sensei, I was on the verge of tears, am I in too over my head? Yes. I am. But I managed to calm myself down and convince myself that I’ll be fine. I think that maybe, after I manage to (IF I manage to) get that Petition for Transfer of Credits Form all signed and turned in on time, and after I am done with my Visa, and after the point where the only thing left for me to do is pack, I’ll probably be fine then. Once I’ve figured out how much spending money I’ll have, I won’t be so nervous. I don’t know what I’m worried about. So what if I might not make any friends? I’m sure someone has to feel pity for me and pretend to be friendly. What if I get lost everyday? What if I have no money for souvenirs and to go random shopping and to hang out and stuff? It’s still an experience, right?
I feel as if everyone else is more excited than I am. Everyone thinks it’s going to be such an experience, it’s going to fun and great. I’m sure it will be. Even if it’s not the best, most wonderful thing that’ll happen to me, it’ll still be something that *happened*. I’ll be in Japan. I’ll be -living- in Japan. JAPAN!
For some time I got so annoyed and agitated when people mentioned my going to Japan, and when they kept telling me how lucky and great it’s going to be. I hated that Mother told all these people when I’d asked her not to. I hated everyone knowing. Even before I’d gotten in, people were already asking me about it as if I were going. Then once I did get accepted, to be honest, I felt like I had to go. Everyone knew! Even now when someone mentions the trip to me I get kind of aggravated. It’s not like I’m going over there to spend a 5-month holiday. I’m going over there for school. People keep telling me it’ll be expensive, yes…I know. Now stop reminding me. And applying/getting ready to study abroad isn’t a “say it, it happens” kind of thing. There’s so much crap I have to do, and it gets hard for me to try and smile and talk about it like “Oh yea, it’s gonna be great, like a paid vacation,” when there’s all this stuff I have to get in and stress out about.
I know that part of the reason why I’m not as excited as I could be is because of the fact that I have no money. Well, not *no* money, just not very much money. I’m sure I will have enough. I’ll have money from working right now, I have some extra money from the scholarships from previous years and this year, so it won’t be so bad but, I can’t help but worry. Especially since I won’t have all that much freedom in how much I spend, because my money will probably have to be deposited every month or something by my Mother, which I guess allows her to decide how much to put in and stuff.
I’m also worried about what I’m missing and what’ll have to happen when I come back. All these things are happening this summer with the church. It’s going to be done with construction, there’s going to be all these big events that the dance group is going to perform at. The orchestra is going to play at quite a few big events. I’m going to be missing all of that! This reestablishes a fear that I might’ve mentioned earlier. I spent 15 years building my life over here, what if when I come back, that’s all gone? I complain about my life/state/situation a lot, it’s all I ever complain about but, it is who I am. I am the girl who goes to school, works part time, spends all day Saturdays at church, dances in a dance group, plays in the church orchestra…I’m not saying I love that life, but I am attached to it. What if when I come back, I lose it all? The problem I’m trying to get at here is…what if when I come back, I’ll still love to dance but I can’t be in the dance group anymore? What if something changes? What if while I’m away, they find someone better to replace me? What if the person I chose to replace me does an awesome job? I’d be so proud of her but, I’d also be phased out. And the orchestra…Otouto already plays much better than me. He needs to work on recognizing/expressing style, but that’s something he can learn over the summer. What if when I come back, there’s no need for me anymore? I’ll be recognized as too old? I’m sure the only reason they keep me around now is because they **think** that they need me, what if while I’m gone they’ll realize that they really don’t need me at all? My job…Keets will be moving to Virginia after she graduates this May. She might be able to come back to work this summer and then if she goes to Grad school, she’ll most very likely be able to stay on at work. There’s no need for such a small office to have two full-year interns! And, I won’t be here over the summer to even do anything to defend/protect my position. Even though they say that I’ll just be on leave without pay while I’m away and that when I come back I’ll still have my job, who knows what’s going to happen? What if I do get to keep my job for a little bit but they also realize they don’t need me that much and then let me go later on??
And there’s so much to do! SO much to do right as soon as I come back. I’ll be entering senior year of college. LordGeezuzChryst…I’ll be a college senior. What if something happens and I can’t get all my courses in on time? I won’t graduate (on time). And even if I do graduate on time, right as soon as I come back from Japan, I have to take my GREs, which I have yet to even look up let alone study for. I’ll have to apply for Grad Schools. I won’t have had time to up my GPA enough for those Grad Schools to even consider me. I’ll have to spend a few thousand dollars alone just taking the GREs, having them sent to all 25 schools I’m applying to, applying to those schools. Where am I to get a few thousand dollars? And what if my scholarships this year don’t get renewed, or I get less financial aid? How am I even going to pay for senior year, let alone all those college applications? How am I going to catch back up with life?
I am sure that Japan will be an experience, good or bad, I don’t know! I’ve had a lot of good luck in applying, getting in, pretty much lots of things. For that, I’m grateful. But I can’t help but be worried, and anxious. It makes me feel bad too that some people are really, really excited for me. They really want to help. And yet when they ask me if I’m excited all I can really do is force a smile and say, “Yea, it’s great…” I do feel kind of selfish and…over the top. Freaking out when everyone else is so happy. But, then I do realize that, yes, everyone’s happy. But everyone’s not me. All they can really see is the surface. “She’s going to Japan! Yay!” Everyone doesn’t quite realize every thought in my head, and I don’t expect them to.
I am confident…somewhat…that it will all work out. I hope. I have to be confident. Because this is happening. I can’t stop it now, and I don’t really want to. I just kind of want this thing to run its course and hope and pray that the future holds bright prospects. I feel as if this month is going to be the most grueling. I’ll get more easily fed up with people talking about me going as if I’m taking a fun vacation while I’m worrying about whether I’ll be able to communicate with people over there, whether the courses I need to take will even be available, whether my courses/credits will transfer. I’m sure, that once I’m on the plane and on my way there, literally, I will be more content about the situation and realize that I need to enjoy it for what it is and what it’s worth. But for now, I’m nervous. Easily annoyed and agitated. Worried. Kind of confused. What to do, what to do…
I just realized, after rereading, that I sound as if I need this life (the one here, in Arlington, Virginia). You know…I’d gladly leave the Youth Group one day maybe. I’ll probably have to stop dancing within a few years, I can’t look 18 forever. I know that my life is going to change. Obviously. But this is so, sudden. Mother said I could go. I didn’t even bring it up, she did. I chose a place. I applied. I got in and boom! Everyone knew and I was going and that was that. I feel rushed and unsure about my decision. I probably just need a day or something to sit around and think a bit. Maybe. Sometimes thinking too much hurts and is scary but, I think I just need to think. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll try to get in all my stuff this week and then just spend a bit of time just to think and let things sink it. As I said before, it might turn out that nothing’ll sink in until I’m on the plane waiting to land in that new country but, at some point it will sink in and I’m really waiting for that point because I think that at that point, I’ll be a bit content. Finally, maybe.