khi anh ve troi xanh khong may bay   Leave a comment

em nghe chieu mua thu khong la roi
mua dong den ben em nguoi oi
– nguoi ve cuoi pho

I’m not sure that I really want to talk about this. But, I can’t get it off my mind, maybe I haven’t given it enough thinking time but, I really can’t spare brain functions on it anymore so maybe I’ll just rant about it and hopefully I’ll feel better once it’s ALL out there and then I can forget.

It’s not as serious as it sounds. Haha.

Ok, last night Otouto and I attended a dinner hosted by the Lasallian Alumni Association. They’re the people who host these scholarship competitions every year. Otouto and I have both competed and won a few times, one year the both of us won for our respective divisions. That was cool. Anyway, somehow Otouto and I ended up sitting at the Brothers and Judges table. I sat between Otouto and this really nice lady who is the wife of one of the judges. On the other side of Otouto was this guy. Most of the night I talked with the lady and her husband, because I let slip that I was going to Japan to study abroad when she mentioned that her daughter who is also a college junior studied abroad in Sweden for a semester (I think it’s because I was talking about Global Affairs and my liking traveling and crap). The husband has also been to Japan, mostly Tokyo, for business so he was telling me about it. Otouto, bless his soul, made conversation with the guy sitting next to him and through convos that the guy had with Otouto as well as the other people, I happened to find out a few things about him. He’s 31 apparently. Pretty sure he does not have a girlfriend because he was asked about it twice, and both times he didn’t say yes or no, he answered something but it was kind of just a wave it off kind of thing. Anyway, after Otouto got to talking to him for a bit, we found out that he went to Cornell. An Ivy. And because of a miscommunication he also mentioned that he had studied in England.

Two times during the dinner, this funking thing happened. Basically I would look over at Otouto for something and then realize that the guy was looking in my relative (relative direction, not MY direction) direction and so I’d look down at him and we’d lock eyes (I guess?) so I would look back up at Otouto (who until then was oblivious) who’d look down at me and then over at him and I’d look back at him and he’d still be looking over and so I didn’t know what else to do, I just laughed! I don’t know, I honestly thought it was funny for some reason. But also because laughing is my defense mechanism. When I’m nervous or shy or freaking out, I laugh.

Also, at one point he pointed out (mostly to the other, older people) who his parents were. And at some point during the dinner I looked over at the table they were sitting at, and his father seemed to be looking over in my RELATIVE direction. And he was smiling. Haha! And then at around 9PM Otouto and I got up to leave, and as we were walking by the guy’s parents’ table they were turned around to kind of look at us, so I bowed and smiled and greeted them and Otouto later told me that he said Hi. We don’t know them. They don’t look familiar and I’m pretty sure we’ve never spoken to them before.

Right after we left the restaurant I couldn’t hold it in anymore and I told Otouto that I just had to tell him…that guy was kind of cute. And Otouto had a feeling I would say so.

Now…there are so many things wrong with this. Haha. I’m just going to say it right out there actually. He’s way out of my league. So much so that it embarrasses me to have to remind myself to stop thinking about him, because it’s such an obvious statement! First off, he’s 31, I’m 21. Age is not that that big of a factor for me in anything, maturity is. He seems really mature. I don’t know how truly mature I am. I think I’m good at pretending to be and acting mature because I realize which environments, which people, warrent maturity, so I fake it. I fake it so well that to other people I’m always OK, and then I break down and have huge melt downs where I just crack and want to kill myself or something. That’s not good. He’s very good at Vietnamese. He came over to the states when he was 6 (so did I! Of course my 6 is 10 years after his 6 but, whatever). But his Vietnamese is very, very good. I can hardly hold a meeting in complete Vietnamese! He’s also a professional career wise. I’m an intern! At one point he asked me what I did at the Department of the Interior (because the wife and her husband had asked if I had started looking for work since I’m already a college junior and so I told them where I did work and stuff) and I said this and that and I mentioned that I did data analysis sometimes and he asked what kind of analysis because he also does some analysis for his job and I talked about seeing how many grants come in, how much funding goes out, stuff like that, and he goes “So you count things?” I was a little taken aback but, it’s true, that’s exactly what it is! I count things! I mail things, I tape things, I copy and paste things, I count things! I swear the people here give me wayyyyyy too much credit. Any other intern could probably also create an Image Collection from scratch and make/give a presentation on it. It’s not that great! Any other intern can analyze all the projects that took place in a branch since 2002 and create charts, graphs, and a presentation on it. It’s not that hard. It’s just time-consuming. I’m sure that the people here should appreciate me for my TIME, not my talent, of which there needs to be none for these projects! I’m not being sarcastic. Lolz.

Also, he seems very high class. I mean, he wasn’t snobby, but he just seemed…higher up. He’s also smart. He went to Cornell! Yes, both Otouto and Reed has said that Cornell is one of the lesser of the Ivys, but it’s a freakin IVY! “One of the lesser Ivys” is still way better than most of the other Universities/Colleges. Hell, for sure it’s better than Mason, in my opinion at least. He and Otouto had a rather nice conversation about getting into Ivy League schools and he had some interesting tips and notes to offer, so I thought that was sweet. But, I told Otouto that the guy is smart, I mean, studying in England and going to Cornell, and I am sure that I would never be able to keep up an actual conversation with the guy, and Otouto points out that Reed is really smart and I can talk to him fine. But I then reminded Otouto that my conversations with Reed are not normal conversations that one would have with a smart person. I mean yes, sometimes every now and then we do have delightful, enlightening conversations, but key word is every now and then. I think mainly Reed and I are just sources of de-stress and comfort, so usually our conversations go in the way of “Nhu-Y you almost raped your brother’s friend” (Poor Robert that one time at the metro, AHAHAHAHAHAHA that was funny) and then encouraging me to continue.

I did find some things…not annoying persay but….things I wasn’t too fond of. He was on his Iphone the whole time. Obviously he did converse with the other guests but he was always doing something on the phone, not talking on the phone, just looking at stuff, I guess. He also corrected the way Otouto said Pianist, which might’ve actually just been because he had a feeling we would find that funny, because we did and I laughed, a lot. But, I tend to get really picky when I’m trying to force myself not to like somebody. SEE? LIKE SOMEBODY? REALLY? How mature is that? I met a guy ONCE, ONCE and spoke with him on and off for about 2 hours, how can I possibly LIKE him in any way? Or I mean, I guess I can like him, but not in the “LIKE” that’s serious. I don’t think people who are emotionally mature would be like that.

I also for some reason don’t see him hanging out with or getting along with my friends. I mean…he might get along alright with Reed and Dolores, and he and Otouto had nice conversations. But, I don’t see him say, coming to my dance performances and meeting the dancers. I don’t see him understanding my relationship with the youth group. That kind of thing.

The sad part is talking to him kind of reminded me of my “place,” you know? My class, kind of. I’ve never really thought about it before. I mean, I know I’m poor and I’ve thought about how other people have things I don’t and might never have, but I’ve never really thought about my “class” before. I think that was just the overall environment of the place. The wife lady that was sitting next to me excitedly told me that before I leave Japan I should get my mom and dad to fly over and spend a week with me so I can show them around and then from there fly to Viet Nam and visit for a few weeks (I had mentioned that I hadn’t been back to Viet Nam). I just nodded and agreed because what was I supposed to say? She meant well, she was completely honestly just thinking of something that she thought my family would enjoy, so I wasn’t just going to correct her and say “My father’s dead, I have the worst relationship with my mother, and we’re poor as hell.” That would’ve just ruined the whole night so I just nodded and agreed but the sadness of the fact just tugged at me the whole rest of the time, and still now. Anyway, talking to the guy just reminded me of where I am in life and thinking God…where am I going?! I’m 21. I’m just an intern. I’m not sure how long I can keep my job. I know nothing about what I’m studying, I’m even starting to wish that I had studied science or something. I’m doubting my ability to do well and be successful in the future. I play violin, but I am no good. I suck at it actually, really. My dancing isn’t very good either. Honestly, the dance team is kind of just a ragtag team. Our very own support system doesn’t even recognize us as a legit group. We just happen to always volunteer or something, is what they think.

The depressing thing is that….I had “fun” last night talking to people and they were all really nice, but it just reminded me about the reality that I have to live up to. And this guy…Reed and Otouto both said, joked I’m sure, that it *could* happen. Well…no…because I’m only in the US for another few weeks. And then I’m going to be in another country the whole summer. Even if I’m not going to Japan, the guy doesn’t do, probably isn’t interested in, the same things I do, I’m sure we have nothing in common, so there is no other chance that we’d ever meet again until the Lasallian Awards Ceremony, which is at the end of the year anyway. That’s almost a year, I’m sure by then he would’ve already forgotten.

The thing is, I don’t want to be naive. I’m tired of letting my imagination go wild of useless, fruitless things. This is one of those things. Usually when I become interested in a guy, of which there are many!, I just let my imagination go wild. But this time, maybe it’s the type of guy, maybe it was the environment, maybe it was the reminders, I’m trying to refuse myself even the choice of thinking about him or lingering over him. What’s the point? I’m never going to see him again, and if I do it’ll be months from now. He won’t remember me. I’m not good at boys, men, whatever. I would just crack. I have so much baggage. I’m sure I would scare people off.

The interesting thing is not once last night did I think about my weight. Or my face. Lolz. I mean, my hair bothered me a bit because my bangs kept getting in the way of eating, but otherwise, I wasn’t reminded about my size or looks much at all.

I should stop this. Feeling sorry for yourself or looking down on yourself is not attractive in either sex. Yes, to most people I might be wasting my Saturdays. My dance group isn’t recognized and we spend more time gossiping than practicing. But we do bring joy to people and I can honestly say we’re responsible for building strong, confident girls. I do put too much effort into the youth group, but I’ve been with them forever. At least I’m dedicated. It’s also trained me well in the art of keeping an open mind and being tolerant. I may not play violin very well but…well I don’t know about this one. There’s not really anything good about it. I don’t get very good grades, but I’m sure I can, I just don’t try hard enough. I don’t have much of a social life because my best friend is in Australia or Conneticut, and my best girlfriend is….3 hours away. I could make an effort to hang out with the dancers more but they’re still young, and already so busy. And I’m no good with making new friends, but I could try! Even if I don’t and I maintain my no-social-life status, it’s because I have more important things to take care of. I know how to sacrifice, hell I’ve sacrificed a bit already in my 21 years. I managed to keep going strong even after my only love passed away. I’m confident when I need to be. I’m independent and I’m not needy. The only thing I’m unsure about is my weight, but otherwise, I think I’m a perfectly alright person.

I’m sorry and kind of put off that being around smart and kind people caused me to think about myself in a down putting way. So what if I’m poor and not as intelligent as I should/could be? I have years. Heh, maybe this was a good thing. I’m glad I posted this because it’s giving me a chance to sort through and talk myself out of feeling depressed.

I’m not just 21, I’m a grown up 21. I take care of my family. I can bring myself to sacrifice a bit of freedom to maintain the peace. I’m open minded, I try not to judge. I might just be an intern, but I’m an intern for the federal government, and I got that job when I was 18, that’s something right? I think that I’ve always worried a lot about a lot of stuff. I might just go to Mason, but I’m also in the Honors Program at Mason. Being with the people last night, talking to that guy, it made me want to rush forward. I needed to see a change in my life for the better and not just quickly, but now! I have friends who trust me to take care of their parents while they’re away, I have friends who will sit through horror movies with me even though they’re always scared shitless. So what if I like to play Left4Dead for hours with my younger brother? So what if I own a DS and one of the games is Cake Mania? That just makes me who I am. I think I like who I am.

Well! This ended in a way that I would never have imagined. I thought I would just continue being depressed but, I actually feel a little better. I’m starting to move on. I’m a little nutty and I over do things sometimes. I get excited easily and I lose interest quickly. I’m a bit loud and I laugh too much. I linger.

I love my blog, for moments like these.

Posted March 1, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life

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