cảm thấy quá khó để luôn ở bên cạnh anh
buông tay nhẹ mong nương theo cơn gió,
chợt thấy cô đơn lấp đầy,
khoãnh khắc ngọt ngào mãi mãi trôi xa từ đây
–ánh mắt ấm áp
Haha, wanna hear something kinda sad? In the past month you’re the only one from the States that I’ve been talking to regularly. Except for Thien An who made some random and annoying comments about me teaching her Japanese, and T— because I told her I’d gotten her something (that’s not true, a little less than a month ago she commented me about Winnie the Pooh, which was nice of her, always a sweetheart)…I had to go back through my wall just to make sure it’s really been a month, which made me a little sadder cuz it really has been almost a month since any of the other girls even FB commented me. I guess I didn’t actually expect a lot of contact from the rest of the girls, I mean, they did make me that video from the HS Tinh Tam thing, which took time. I do realize, like any normal person does, that everyone has their own lives. I guess when I was still in the states I was just convenient, whereas now that I’m in Japan I’m no longer convenient. You know how sometimes people who go to college far away come back for break and people are all like HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! Well, pathetic as it is, I was glad I was going to Japan because I thought that when I get back I would get a HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! too. But now a part of me kinda just wishes that no one welcomes me back, I won’t believe them. If they welcome me back, I might get fooled into believing I was missed, whereas in reality it’s really just because they now have someone to do tasks for them and someone to transfer their stress to. If they don’t welcome me back, it’ll make it easier for me to leave, I’ll realize it hard. Anyway, I’m not bitter, just pensive. Maybe one of the reasons why I like to travel is because if I’m away all the time, I can make myself believe that the reason why people aren’t close to me or forgot about me is because I’m always away and never there, and not because they forgot because they forgot. <— I might blog this. Haha, don't be surprised if you're on my blog and you see this exact paragraph. I should be putting this thinking into my papers…Oh how I get distracted.
An excerpt from an email I sent to a friend in the States. HA! SEE?! I really am blogging it!
I grew to find out a long time ago that people never have enough time. I hardly ever have enough time in the day…and I don't even do anything. And that's why a long time ago, after I figured that people never have enough time, I also figured that people with no time need space, and so I stopped depending on people and looking forward to things that include…well, people. Plans change. Things come up. Never with me, but that's cuz my life is boring. And so, I can't say that I blame anyone for the nonconstant (not a word!) contact (inconsistent! That's what I meant. Ha.). Sometimes it takes me awhile to reply to people. Sometimes I forget. Most of the time I forget and then pretend I did not. And the same applies for others. They are halfway across the world from me. The time zone difference is extremely vast. Except for a few brief hours, whenever they are awake, I am probably asleep, and vice versa. And, they're not even my age. They're younger and not as traumatized. They have a lot more of a will to live. Those around them are the same as them. They share the same interests, the same taste. Even when I was just a 40 minute car ride away, I was still too different. How can I be similar to them now? Similar and familiar enough for effort?
Long ago, I also realized that I have an inclination for chastising needy people. I…harsh as it may sound…abhor clingy people. And so I try not to cling. I don't attach myself to people, because attaching myself to people would create in me a fear of letting go, which would transfer into actions that reflect the kind of person I dislike the most. This is why when I fall in love and find that person of whom it would hurt to let go, Reed will point at me and laugh. And I will say to him, Reed…laugh as you will, because this is never happening. Ever again. I take random detours.
My attempts to not latch on to people for the most part transfer into nonchalance. Well, maybe the reason why they haven't contacted me is because I haven't contacted them. Who is to draw honestly the line between keeping in contact and being needy? I would very much like the former, but fear the latter, and so do nothing as so not to give the latter a chance. But what of when I do contact them, sporadic emails, that garner no response? What then? Should I continue sending random updates of my life? Maybe tell them of how I fell off my bike and almost sprained my ankle again, of how I slept in the attic of an abandoned farmhouse and came back to civilization with bites all over? Of how, I miss dancing, and my violin, and going out to DC to eat some crabs. And most of all, my worries of being forgotten. Before I left this fear was already rising in me. I am very easily forgotten, I know. I do not look the part of someone important to remember, and so what right do I have to claim any part of anyone's mind? What if they think my worries are silly?
Is this being needy? Whether it is or not, I don't like the feeling.
Why, may you ask, does this bother me so? If it is apparently something I figured out a long time ago?
Well, because, this is not a phase. This is not something that happened because I'm far away. This is my life, as it is, all the time. Even when I lived just a few counties away, even when it was possible to meet up at the mall, we never did. They were always plans to be made, things to do that never happened. It is not because I am halfway across the world that it is hard to keep in contact. That is the way it is, all the time. Nowadays I have no idea what they're going through in their daily lives. Before, back in the States, and in the future, back in the States, I never knew and will still never know what they're going through in their daily lives. This is not to chastise or scold. None of us need try harder or put forth more effort, it's just a realization. Before, long before, I sensed it. I brushed it off. I saw them every Saturday for dance practice, that was enough. But now, I've actually realized it, and I must come to accept it. I am the captain. The choreographer. The dance buddy. That is all.
Sadly enough, my life was created so much around my parish that when I go back, that is what I will return to. It's not terrible. They are good company when they have time on those Saturdays. When I come back, they will be kind. They will welcome me and make me feel silly. And I will start to fall back into the same routine. And every now and then I will be sitting around when it hits me again…what am I to these girls? What are they to me? I won't have an answer. But it will make me sad. And some months from when I come back I will leave again. Being forgotten because you are never around is much more acceptable than being forgotten because you are easy to forget. And if I was completely fooled again into a happy pattern with them then I will be sad when I have to leave. And we will make promises to Skype often, and to exchange emails and to keep in touch. And we will not keep those promises. If I somehow weasel myself out of being fooled, I will be just as sad when I leave. And we will make the same promises. But it will be more understandable and not as surprising when those promises, neither side keeps.
I hope that no one has remembered my blog address either. Otherwise I might be in for a confrontation, a scene of which I have no fondness for.
The world will not make time for me, nor will it wait. And so, I will not make time for the world, nor will I wait. <—–Rannnnndommmmmm.