Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

i raise my hand as if to show you that i was yours   2 comments

that i was so yours for the taking
i’m so yours for the taking and
that’s when i felt the wind pick up
i grab the rail while choking up
these words to say and then you kissed me
i knew it from the start
— 18th floor balcony

Is it just me, or do the Pokemon get uglier by the region?……..Yea Nhu-Y, that’s not at all a nerdy ass question. I mean….take Shiftry for example. That is one ugly ass Pokemon. I mean, even the ghost type Pokemon from the first seasons, Haunter and Ghastly, they were cute! Shiftry is just ugly! And kinda scary! Plusle and Minun are kind cute though, but only because they look like bigger versions of Pichu.

You know what is another indication of my insanity? The fact that I have been obsessed with a singer for the past few days. Like, he’s cute, truth be told. But he’s not like….Daniel Henney (OMG DANIEL HENNEY!), he’s just this kinda cute guy who plays piano and guitar and sings. So I spent the weekend (when I wasn’t running around Ninja Village) playing his performances on Youtube. And it wasn’t like I sat there in front of the screen and watched him. Most of the time I was doing other things or walking around my room or had another window open over the Youtube window. So it’s not like he’s gorgeous or whatever, it depends. I don’t so much like his still photos, I like his performances. And, his story tugs at me. Have you ever met a person who’s been so broken you just want to fix them? It’s the ego in me talking. Like, really? YOU want to FIX somebody? Have you looked at yourself lately?

I am probably one of the most effed up screwed up most unstable person I know. And will ever know. And there I go wanting to fix a broken heart.

Maybe I don’t even need to fix it. Because dudes…..he is fine. Like, he is CUTEEEEEE and talented, I’m sure there have been plenty of girls after the one who messed him up, that have tried to help him. I’m sure he doesn’t need help! But you know, I can’t help the calling. HA! I kinda just wanna fly over to California and stalk him ’till I meet him, and then be friends with him and then be like, I’m cool. Lean on me. Yea. Like, we don’t even have to be lovers, just be my friend, I’ll show you how cool people are.

I hate Youtube. HAHA! It showed me that a video “related” to the one of him performing was one of him being interviewed by Kristine Sa on her Heart2Heart show. And I thought, Oh I’ll watch this and I’ll realize how perfect he is not and I won’t be so obsessed. Well. I realized how perfect he is not. And now I want to transport myself to California and assure him that it’s all OK. Like. Wtf?

God, I really am kinda screwey.

This has been one crazy post. I’m sorry normal people who are reading this. Haha, I’m rereading this and laughing to myself. It’s not substantial enough to calm me down, I’ll probably make up stories about him in my mind for nights to come but, at least it’s all out there. I’M CRAZY. There. Said and done.

—edit—-

He’s on FB. I want to add him. BUT WHY? WHY?????? OH MY GOD どして???

—-another edit—–

You know. He wasn’t even hurt because she was a bad person. It was just some unfortunate happening that drove them apart. How do you compete with that? You know the love’s still there, and always will be. Would you still try?

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Posted June 24, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

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Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be happier if life were different. Scratch that–I can’t be ‘happier’ if I’m not happy. I wonder if I could actually be less sad, if life were different.

You know, the night my father died my mother didn’t call the cops right away. She had us lay in the room with my father’s corpse, on another bed, until morning. And then she just shut down. All night we slept there, I felt nothing, I was practically numb. Through the funeral, I cried because I couldn’t help it. I would be just standing there and tears would just start falling and I would have no clue until they couldn’t be stopped even if they were realized. I was so mad at my Mother. Why couldn’t she toughen up? Why was she sobbing and yelling and screaming and fainting and falling all over the place? When all I could do was stand there. And not feel.

My father spoiled me. He gave me all this love and care and attention that I didn’t really deserve. And now that he’s gone, I have this emptiness in me where his love and attention used to be. His nods and smiles, and drives to dance practice early in the morning and drives home from performances late at night. Who is to fill those spaces? So far I’ve been filling them myself. I can drive myself to practice and from performances. But I can never seem to nod and smile at myself. I think Father accepted me for the person that I’ll never be satisfied with being, that sometimes I hate being, even. He accepted it all. I can’t get over it. On nights, random nights, like these, I miss him so much I almost go insane.

It’ll be three years this August. So long ago, and yet just yesterday. These sobs will clear by the morning and I might not even remember why my eyes are puffed, but a few weeks from now it will happen again. And a few months from then, once again. Sporadically I will have the urge to throw myself off something or…do something else…but I’ll be too scared and ashamed. And I’ll break down. But I’ll get over it. And then again. And again. And again. About three years ago I thought I would be suffering all the time. But who knew that in actuality, no, I’ll be OK for times at a time, and then I’ll remember, and I’ll fall a little bit apart, and I’ll comfort myself enough to leave the house the next morning and, you know, this actually hurts more. If I were a constant unhappy, that would just be that. I would just be unhappy. But this, being able to feel a tad of contentment, and then remember that no, I’m not that OK, that sadness hits harder, like this. Like now.

Posted June 20, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

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I can’t watch Kiem Hiep series. I shouldn’t be allowed to watch them. Because every time I watch them, my mind goes on insane adventures for days. Imaginary adventures that make me wish I were born centuries ago, when chivalry was rare but at least existent–when although life was short, at least it was full.

Of course my mind is insane even when I’m normal, and so the century I want to return to is that of the storybooks. I ignore the fact that in those times people didn’t bathe everyday and along with that I ignore the fact that if I go two days without bathing I get a little crazy.

Maybe my mind just feeds on my always existent, no matter how low it lays, wish to be away from here. This place, these people. This time. And when I watch a Kiem Hiep series or something, my mind latches on to that time, because it fulfills my desire to be away. Away to when life was simple. When people were expected to leave their homes and go on adventures. Instead of being locked in their rooms because it’s dangerous outside.

Ah, now I’m just ranting. I know, I have been terrible at keeping this blog updated. In the next few days you’ll see random picture posts as I once again attempt to catch up, and then maybe something substantial. Maybe at a more reasonable time I might go back and make this post better and more understandable, even, but don’t count on it.

Chya! I’m off to waste a few more hours of my night laying in bed in the dark dreaming up a romance that wouldn’t exist even in the movies. Intrigued? 🙂

Posted June 19, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

những lúc thấy nhớ anh em vẫn hay bật khóc
   1 comment

cảm thấy quá khó để luôn ở bên cạnh anh
buông tay nhẹ mong nương theo cơn gió,
chợt thấy cô đơn lấp đầy,
khoãnh khắc ngọt ngào mãi mãi trôi xa từ đây
–ánh mắt ấm áp

Haha, wanna hear something kinda sad? In the past month you’re the only one from the States that I’ve been talking to regularly. Except for Thien An who made some random and annoying comments about me teaching her Japanese, and T— because I told her I’d gotten her something (that’s not true, a little less than a month ago she commented me about Winnie the Pooh, which was nice of her, always a sweetheart)…I had to go back through my wall just to make sure it’s really been a month, which made me a little sadder cuz it really has been almost a month since any of the other girls even FB commented me. I guess I didn’t actually expect a lot of contact from the rest of the girls, I mean, they did make me that video from the HS Tinh Tam thing, which took time. I do realize, like any normal person does, that everyone has their own lives. I guess when I was still in the states I was just convenient, whereas now that I’m in Japan I’m no longer convenient. You know how sometimes people who go to college far away come back for break and people are all like HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! Well, pathetic as it is, I was glad I was going to Japan because I thought that when I get back I would get a HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! too. But now a part of me kinda just wishes that no one welcomes me back, I won’t believe them. If they welcome me back, I might get fooled into believing I was missed, whereas in reality it’s really just because they now have someone to do tasks for them and someone to transfer their stress to. If they don’t welcome me back, it’ll make it easier for me to leave, I’ll realize it hard. Anyway, I’m not bitter, just pensive. Maybe one of the reasons why I like to travel is because if I’m away all the time, I can make myself believe that the reason why people aren’t close to me or forgot about me is because I’m always away and never there, and not because they forgot because they forgot. <— I might blog this. Haha, don't be surprised if you're on my blog and you see this exact paragraph. I should be putting this thinking into my papers…Oh how I get distracted.

—–
An excerpt from an email I sent to a friend in the States. HA! SEE?! I really am blogging it!
——-

I grew to find out a long time ago that people never have enough time. I hardly ever have enough time in the day…and I don't even do anything. And that's why a long time ago, after I figured that people never have enough time, I also figured that people with no time need space, and so I stopped depending on people and looking forward to things that include…well, people. Plans change. Things come up. Never with me, but that's cuz my life is boring. And so, I can't say that I blame anyone for the nonconstant (not a word!) contact (inconsistent! That's what I meant. Ha.). Sometimes it takes me awhile to reply to people. Sometimes I forget. Most of the time I forget and then pretend I did not. And the same applies for others. They are halfway across the world from me. The time zone difference is extremely vast. Except for a few brief hours, whenever they are awake, I am probably asleep, and vice versa. And, they're not even my age. They're younger and not as traumatized. They have a lot more of a will to live. Those around them are the same as them. They share the same interests, the same taste. Even when I was just a 40 minute car ride away, I was still too different. How can I be similar to them now? Similar and familiar enough for effort?

Long ago, I also realized that I have an inclination for chastising needy people. I…harsh as it may sound…abhor clingy people. And so I try not to cling. I don't attach myself to people, because attaching myself to people would create in me a fear of letting go, which would transfer into actions that reflect the kind of person I dislike the most. This is why when I fall in love and find that person of whom it would hurt to let go, Reed will point at me and laugh. And I will say to him, Reed…laugh as you will, because this is never happening. Ever again. I take random detours.

My attempts to not latch on to people for the most part transfer into nonchalance. Well, maybe the reason why they haven't contacted me is because I haven't contacted them. Who is to draw honestly the line between keeping in contact and being needy? I would very much like the former, but fear the latter, and so do nothing as so not to give the latter a chance. But what of when I do contact them, sporadic emails, that garner no response? What then? Should I continue sending random updates of my life? Maybe tell them of how I fell off my bike and almost sprained my ankle again, of how I slept in the attic of an abandoned farmhouse and came back to civilization with bites all over? Of how, I miss dancing, and my violin, and going out to DC to eat some crabs. And most of all, my worries of being forgotten. Before I left this fear was already rising in me. I am very easily forgotten, I know. I do not look the part of someone important to remember, and so what right do I have to claim any part of anyone's mind? What if they think my worries are silly?

Is this being needy? Whether it is or not, I don't like the feeling.

Why, may you ask, does this bother me so? If it is apparently something I figured out a long time ago?

Well, because, this is not a phase. This is not something that happened because I'm far away. This is my life, as it is, all the time. Even when I lived just a few counties away, even when it was possible to meet up at the mall, we never did. They were always plans to be made, things to do that never happened. It is not because I am halfway across the world that it is hard to keep in contact. That is the way it is, all the time. Nowadays I have no idea what they're going through in their daily lives. Before, back in the States, and in the future, back in the States, I never knew and will still never know what they're going through in their daily lives. This is not to chastise or scold. None of us need try harder or put forth more effort, it's just a realization. Before, long before, I sensed it. I brushed it off. I saw them every Saturday for dance practice, that was enough. But now, I've actually realized it, and I must come to accept it. I am the captain. The choreographer. The dance buddy. That is all.

Sadly enough, my life was created so much around my parish that when I go back, that is what I will return to. It's not terrible. They are good company when they have time on those Saturdays. When I come back, they will be kind. They will welcome me and make me feel silly. And I will start to fall back into the same routine. And every now and then I will be sitting around when it hits me again…what am I to these girls? What are they to me? I won't have an answer. But it will make me sad. And some months from when I come back I will leave again. Being forgotten because you are never around is much more acceptable than being forgotten because you are easy to forget. And if I was completely fooled again into a happy pattern with them then I will be sad when I have to leave. And we will make promises to Skype often, and to exchange emails and to keep in touch. And we will not keep those promises. If I somehow weasel myself out of being fooled, I will be just as sad when I leave. And we will make the same promises. But it will be more understandable and not as surprising when those promises, neither side keeps.

—–

I hope that no one has remembered my blog address either. Otherwise I might be in for a confrontation, a scene of which I have no fondness for.

—-

The world will not make time for me, nor will it wait. And so, I will not make time for the world, nor will I wait. <—–Rannnnndommmmmm.

Posted June 4, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

neu, mot ngay thoi gian cho hai chung ta quen di buon dau   1 comment

co, the nao tim mot tinh yeu tiep theo cho ta ngan nhau
neu, mot ngay tro lai cho hai chung ta yeu nhu ngay xua
co khi nao, lai phu long nhau nua khong
– nhu mot giac mo tan

I currently have two things open on my laptop. Half my screen has open this blog, and the other half shows my paper, due tomorrow. So, naturally, I’m going to blog. Yes, it is about 3:45 in the morning. No, I do not intend on sleeping tonight.

—-
2. WHAT I AM NOT

My brother and I used to play a game. I’d point to a chair. “THIS IS NOT A CHAIR,” I’d say. Bird would point to the table. “THIS IS NOT A TABLE.” “THIS IS NOT A WALL,” I’d say. “THAT IS NOT A CEILING.” We’d go on like that. “IT IS NOT RAINING OUT.” “MY SHOE IS NOT UNTIED!” Bird would yell. I’d point to my elbow, “THIS IS NOT A SCRAPE.” Bird would lift his knee. “THIS IS ALSO NOT A SCRAPE!” “THAT IS NOT A KETTLE!” “NOT A CUP!” “NOT A SPOON!” “NOT DIRTY DISHES!” We denied whole rooms, years, weathers. Once, at the peak of our shouting, Bird took a deep breath. At the top of his lungs, he shrieked: “I! HAVE NOT! BEEN! UNHAPPY! MY WHOLE! LIFE!” “But you’re only seven,” I said.

– The History of Love (Krauss)

What else do I need to do tonight? One wonders. Well, that paper that I’m ignoring for this blog post. And then, I think I’m going to write my Mother a letter. Yes. I mean to send it to her for Mother’s Day. I might never send it, who knows. A letter written at 4 in the morning when sides of your brain have shut down and your sanity is seeping out to the hot that is the weather outside, not something I’d suggest sending to one’s Mother.

You know…I’ve started to notice some things regarding my Mother and Brother and…I’m sure that I’m the cause of all my unhappiness and uncertainties.

To get the Good Student Discount for my car insurance, every year we either have to send them my transcript or have someone from school sign this form that the insurance company sends us. Mother said that she could bring the form to the school and have them sign it. She was going to go on Tuesday with her friend, because every Tuesday she and her friend go to the cemetery to visit their husbands…Sad, I know…and the cemetery is down the road from school so they would just stop by school and get someone to sign my form. Mother’s never been to my school, let along the Registrar’s Office at my school. So I spent a little while and some very costly minutes on the phone with the Registrar’s Office asking what I needed to do to make sure the form would be signed. Then I did it. Then I spent forever, because I’m not used to the Vietnamese keyboard, and because it was late and I could hardly think, typing up detailed directions to the school, to the parking lot, to the Registrar’s Office, all that shibazz.

Good gracious I just tried to save this post and got a “Failed” message, I almost had a heart attack but no…s’ok…it was automatically saved before…Whew!

Anyway, After I typed up all the directions, I took pictures of my “Request Letter” with my IDs, sent that to the school, sent the directions and the pictures to Brother and gave him directions to tell Mother. Went to bed. Laid in bed for a few seconds then realized…Omo! No directions on how to get out of the school! So got up, sent directions on how to get out of the school from the parking lot and then, to bed. Woke up the next day and thought…maybe I should call her and be on the phone with her while she’s doing all this. Just to be sure. So I call her…she picks up but hangs up right away, probably still in church. I wait a second…then got anxious so I call again but before I press the call button I realize….

….First off…If I’d been as smart and diligent as I’m supposed to be and have been, I should’ve remembered that the car insurance company needs proof that I’m still a good student, because they need this proof every single year. So I could’ve gotten an extra transcript from the school before I’d left the country, and gotten all that ready so that when the car insurance people sent the form, Mother or Brother would have my transcript and all that ready. But of course, that should’ve been done before I left, and it wasn’t, so there was nothing I could do about it. It was just a side thought. The main thought that was going through my head was that….Why do I have to call her? She’s a grown woman! Yes…she’s not fluent in English and she’s never been on campus, but she is going with her friend, she won’t be alone, and I’ve given her detailed, detailed, detailed times 10, directions with all the papers she’d need to get the people to sign so…Why did I think it was necessary for me to call her and basically walk her through this task? I was worried yes, but I felt at that moment like a mother who couldn’t go, kind of like, you know…Mother.

I’m always worried about Mother and Brother. And so I feel kind of as if I’ve babied them…a lot. A part of my deciding where to go to Grad school depends on where my Brother wants to go. Because I don’t want him to live through the terrible Undergrad experience I had because I had to live at home, so I wanted to make sure that he can go away for college, but if Mother was going to approve of that then I would have to be living with Brother at the very least. Why do I do that…? Firstly, Brother…is a very smart boy. Chances are he will get into all the great colleges, colleges to which I will probably not even be allowed through the front gates. So going to the same school will be near impossible, I’m a really dumb kid! Secondly, Brother gets along very well with Mother. Much better than I do with her. Yes, she annoys him and bothers him and all that, but he’s calmer than me, he can deal with her, he can soothe her. His life with her is not my life with her. Thirdly…I was afraid that if Brother stuck close to home, he wouldn’t be able to find a school that would be good enough for him (Obviously I do think quite a bit of my Brother), but, what about Georgetown? Or George Washington? Those are great schools, they both have their own hospitals, they must be doing the medical stuff correctly, right? But, because I was afraid that Brother’s growth would be stunted by Mother, it took me too long to consider any of those points, and so for a little while some of my Grad School researching was limited to where my Brother might want to go. But if the future were to turn out that way, Brother’s growth would no longer be stunted by Mother, it’d be stunted by me. I mean…obviously if Brother does end up wanting to go to a school far from home, I’d try to help him get Mother’s blessing but, I can’t schedule my whole life around what Brother wants. Who does that?! Obsessive, clingy, oppressive people, that’s who.

Now…Mother…You know, I…hate it, with a passion, whenever anyone makes Mother feel bad or sad or any of that crap. But I’m sure that in the end I make her sad the most. Mother, has lived quite a life, she’s been through a lot, and I think that she’s a strong enough woman to let other people’s opinions and insults bounce off her. Because she doesn’t care about other people. She just cares about Brother and I. But me, the whole time I’m trying to do well to make her proud, to shove other people off Mother’s back with my future success, I get stressed and annoyed and anxious, and I take all my crap out on her and Brother, which I’m sure hurts her the most. Mother is a grown woman, she knows how to handle people. Hell, at my age I already know how to read the people around us. I know which actions need to be analyzed, I know what people really mean when they say certain things, I know how people look at me sometimes and I know how to act around those people. And when I don’t know, I ask Mother. Mother has many times expressed surprised at the fact that I’m not completely oblivious to the fact that people are scum, and I’ve expressed surprised (but mostly annoyance) that Mother always puts up with it.

My family is complicated…at best. The three of us together…we oppress each other. Mother will never learn to do the bills…to get forms signed, or anything, because I do that. And when she does manage to do something, it’s an event for me to be proud of, but why? Doing the bills and filling out forms and figuring out directions to places should be what a Mother does, so why is it that when she does do those things every now and then, it’s something that deserves praise and congratulations? Yes, Brother and I always appreciate her as our Mother, but the fact that she considers everyday duties as difficult tasks deserving of applause shows that I’m not helping her get used to those actions. Brother told me late Tuesday that Mother got the form signed, successfully and all that and I thought to myself…well of course she did. Well actually, at first I was relieved. But then I thought to myself…Of course she did. Why the hell wouldn’t she have gotten the form signed successfully? Did we…as her children, really expect her to fail?

Well, yes. Otherwise I wouldn’t’ve called her earlier intending to walk her through the whole process. Otherwise I wouldn’t’ve been anxious and worried for news from my Brother. I wasn’t waiting for my Brother to send me news that it was all done…I was waiting for an email stating that she didn’t get it done, and that I’d have to call the Registrar again and figure it out. That’s what I’d expected to hear. That’s terrible! I have no trust in my Mother! My Mother! Someone I do not always like very much but will always love and care about….I didn’t trust that she could get a form signed! I’m sure that more than multiple times she’s mentioned her annoyance at my thinking she couldn’t do things on her own, but never before have I realized that…if I just let Mother alone, let her do what needs to be done for her independence and growth and kind of just sit in the back and watch…life would be easier. Better, even.

I’m selfish. Mother…and Brother…has ways of complicating things. Taking forms and asking her friends to fill them out instead of just letting me do them. But of course those friends don’t know any of our personal information so they’d end up calling me and asking, and I’d waste time on the phone trying to spell English words out to them in Vietnamese. Brother can’t give a straight explanation, ask a clear question, give a logical answer. Half the time I’m talking to him I’m trying to figure out what he means when he says things, and then rephrasing it in a sentence, because that’s really all anyone needs. But you know what…my annoyances are just, selfish. When Mother complicates things, it wastes my time. MY time. When Brother can’t clearly explain to me what he wants or needs, it’s wasting my time. MY TiME! And that’s why I get annoyed. Not because I could’ve filled out the forms better or said something better, but because Mother took the forms to someone else and they ended up having to call me, and because Brother takes paragraphs to explain what can be said in a sentence, my time is wasted.

……I don’t know what these…can be considered revelations…will do for me. I realized that I’m a bit oppressive and kind of selfish. So now what do I do? I’m a 21 year old college student who’s never had a boyfriend and can care less about love. I don’t quite know the line between caring and intruding. I’m sure I’ve crossed it many times. I’ve decided to let go of everybody else. I don’t hold back my friends, my buddies, to each his own, I say! And yet with my Mother I’m always on edge, expecting something terrible to happen that I need to clean up. With Brother I’m always ready to fight for, to give my all because he might need me to protect him from something.

You know…it amuses me sometimes when people lose their minds over things like…boys…and friends. I mean, boys…boys are nice to look at. They are very…very yummm. And friends, my friends are great. But…boys…friends, they don’t cause my insanity, they don’t cause my insecurities and my bouts of anger. Because I’ve let go of them. My broken relationship with my family, I, for reasons obviously beyond my comprehension, have not been able to let out of my sight.

Considering all the problems in the world, my not being able to let go of my family should be the easiest thing to solve, shouldn’t it?

I’m going to write my Mother a letter now.

Posted May 7, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

tung giot mua roi ben hien vang ngat   1 comment

tung ngay troi qua voi bao nuoc mat,
mot chieu thu sang roi bao la vang,
nhu tinh ta, nam ay da tung, vui hanh phuc,
noi ay bay gio, chi con ta…
– vo tan

This week is going to be a hectic week for me. My Petition for Transfer of Credit form is due to the registrar this Friday, but the course descriptions only came in last night. Yesterday I went and met with a professor that…I guess she was just in charge of Japanese studies at Mason. I wanted to go with her so she could sign off on my Japanese Language class, but it’s ended up that she’s trying to help me figure out my course equivalents too. She actually asked me for the contact at Momoyama’s info, so she could email him herself, which I assume she did because when he sent us the course descriptions, it was an email to her. Everyone else was just CC’ed. Lolz. So anyway,tomorrow afternoon I’m going to meet with So-Sensei, the lady that I met with yesterday and asked for the contact’s information. She’s going to go over all the available courses with me and hopefully help me figure out which courses at Mason can be considered an equivalent. After that I will have to meet with each of the undergraduate directors for all the departments at Mason that have the course equivalents so they can sign my Form. After that I have to go to my Major Advisor and get him to sign, then the Dean of my College, and then some other people too. All this before 5PM this Friday. HAAAA I am so not going to make it. I think I’m going to email all the undergraduate directors that I think I might have to ask for signatures from, that way when I do just show up, it won’t be so much of a surprise. MAN! But, after I finish this form, all I have left to do is my Visa and then…packing…

Wow…Haha…a month from tomorrow I’m going to be on a plane to Japan. JAPAN! I haven’t even been back to Viet Nam!

…..I’m extremely nervous. Yesterday as I was driving home after meeting with So-Sensei, I was on the verge of tears, am I in too over my head? Yes. I am. But I managed to calm myself down and convince myself that I’ll be fine. I think that maybe, after I manage to (IF I manage to) get that Petition for Transfer of Credits Form all signed and turned in on time, and after I am done with my Visa, and after the point where the only thing left for me to do is pack, I’ll probably be fine then. Once I’ve figured out how much spending money I’ll have, I won’t be so nervous. I don’t know what I’m worried about. So what if I might not make any friends? I’m sure someone has to feel pity for me and pretend to be friendly. What if I get lost everyday? What if I have no money for souvenirs and to go random shopping and to hang out and stuff? It’s still an experience, right?

I feel as if everyone else is more excited than I am. Everyone thinks it’s going to be such an experience, it’s going to fun and great. I’m sure it will be. Even if it’s not the best, most wonderful thing that’ll happen to me, it’ll still be something that *happened*. I’ll be in Japan. I’ll be -living- in Japan. JAPAN!

For some time I got so annoyed and agitated when people mentioned my going to Japan, and when they kept telling me how lucky and great it’s going to be. I hated that Mother told all these people when I’d asked her not to. I hated everyone knowing. Even before I’d gotten in, people were already asking me about it as if I were going. Then once I did get accepted, to be honest, I felt like I had to go. Everyone knew! Even now when someone mentions the trip to me I get kind of aggravated. It’s not like I’m going over there to spend a 5-month holiday. I’m going over there for school. People keep telling me it’ll be expensive, yes…I know. Now stop reminding me. And applying/getting ready to study abroad isn’t a “say it, it happens” kind of thing. There’s so much crap I have to do, and it gets hard for me to try and smile and talk about it like “Oh yea, it’s gonna be great, like a paid vacation,” when there’s all this stuff I have to get in and stress out about.

I know that part of the reason why I’m not as excited as I could be is because of the fact that I have no money. Well, not *no* money, just not very much money. I’m sure I will have enough. I’ll have money from working right now, I have some extra money from the scholarships from previous years and this year, so it won’t be so bad but, I can’t help but worry. Especially since I won’t have all that much freedom in how much I spend, because my money will probably have to be deposited every month or something by my Mother, which I guess allows her to decide how much to put in and stuff.

I’m also worried about what I’m missing and what’ll have to happen when I come back. All these things are happening this summer with the church. It’s going to be done with construction, there’s going to be all these big events that the dance group is going to perform at. The orchestra is going to play at quite a few big events. I’m going to be missing all of that! This reestablishes a fear that I might’ve mentioned earlier. I spent 15 years building my life over here, what if when I come back, that’s all gone? I complain about my life/state/situation a lot, it’s all I ever complain about but, it is who I am. I am the girl who goes to school, works part time, spends all day Saturdays at church, dances in a dance group, plays in the church orchestra…I’m not saying I love that life, but I am attached to it. What if when I come back, I lose it all? The problem I’m trying to get at here is…what if when I come back, I’ll still love to dance but I can’t be in the dance group anymore? What if something changes? What if while I’m away, they find someone better to replace me? What if the person I chose to replace me does an awesome job? I’d be so proud of her but, I’d also be phased out. And the orchestra…Otouto already plays much better than me. He needs to work on recognizing/expressing style, but that’s something he can learn over the summer. What if when I come back, there’s no need for me anymore? I’ll be recognized as too old? I’m sure the only reason they keep me around now is because they **think** that they need me, what if while I’m gone they’ll realize that they really don’t need me at all? My job…Keets will be moving to Virginia after she graduates this May. She might be able to come back to work this summer and then if she goes to Grad school, she’ll most very likely be able to stay on at work. There’s no need for such a small office to have two full-year interns! And, I won’t be here over the summer to even do anything to defend/protect my position. Even though they say that I’ll just be on leave without pay while I’m away and that when I come back I’ll still have my job, who knows what’s going to happen? What if I do get to keep my job for a little bit but they also realize they don’t need me that much and then let me go later on??

And there’s so much to do! SO much to do right as soon as I come back. I’ll be entering senior year of college. LordGeezuzChryst…I’ll be a college senior. What if something happens and I can’t get all my courses in on time? I won’t graduate (on time). And even if I do graduate on time, right as soon as I come back from Japan, I have to take my GREs, which I have yet to even look up let alone study for. I’ll have to apply for Grad Schools. I won’t have had time to up my GPA enough for those Grad Schools to even consider me. I’ll have to spend a few thousand dollars alone just taking the GREs, having them sent to all 25 schools I’m applying to, applying to those schools. Where am I to get a few thousand dollars? And what if my scholarships this year don’t get renewed, or I get less financial aid? How am I even going to pay for senior year, let alone all those college applications? How am I going to catch back up with life?

I am sure that Japan will be an experience, good or bad, I don’t know! I’ve had a lot of good luck in applying, getting in, pretty much lots of things. For that, I’m grateful. But I can’t help but be worried, and anxious. It makes me feel bad too that some people are really, really excited for me. They really want to help. And yet when they ask me if I’m excited all I can really do is force a smile and say, “Yea, it’s great…” I do feel kind of selfish and…over the top. Freaking out when everyone else is so happy. But, then I do realize that, yes, everyone’s happy. But everyone’s not me. All they can really see is the surface. “She’s going to Japan! Yay!” Everyone doesn’t quite realize every thought in my head, and I don’t expect them to.

I am confident…somewhat…that it will all work out. I hope. I have to be confident. Because this is happening. I can’t stop it now, and I don’t really want to. I just kind of want this thing to run its course and hope and pray that the future holds bright prospects. I feel as if this month is going to be the most grueling. I’ll get more easily fed up with people talking about me going as if I’m taking a fun vacation while I’m worrying about whether I’ll be able to communicate with people over there, whether the courses I need to take will even be available, whether my courses/credits will transfer. I’m sure, that once I’m on the plane and on my way there, literally, I will be more content about the situation and realize that I need to enjoy it for what it is and what it’s worth. But for now, I’m nervous. Easily annoyed and agitated. Worried. Kind of confused. What to do, what to do…

—edit—

I just realized, after rereading, that I sound as if I need this life (the one here, in Arlington, Virginia). You know…I’d gladly leave the Youth Group one day maybe. I’ll probably have to stop dancing within a few years, I can’t look 18 forever. I know that my life is going to change. Obviously. But this is so, sudden. Mother said I could go. I didn’t even bring it up, she did. I chose a place. I applied. I got in and boom! Everyone knew and I was going and that was that. I feel rushed and unsure about my decision. I probably just need a day or something to sit around and think a bit. Maybe. Sometimes thinking too much hurts and is scary but, I think I just need to think. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll try to get in all my stuff this week and then just spend a bit of time just to think and let things sink it. As I said before, it might turn out that nothing’ll sink in until I’m on the plane waiting to land in that new country but, at some point it will sink in and I’m really waiting for that point because I think that at that point, I’ll be a bit content. Finally, maybe.

Posted February 24, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

GAHHHH   Leave a comment

I hate WordPress themes! They’re all so bulky and boxy and…ooglyyy!!

I think I might change my blog hosting site again. Lolz. I don’t think I’d want to go back to Blogger because…that’s just way so outdated! Even though they have the best layouts.

I considered going back to Xanga so I rummaged through my ancient emails and found my usernames. I went through and scanned two blogs that I had on Xanga in 2006 and 2007. I honestly think I was a better writer then. Haha. I didn’t capitalize shizz, but I…wrote well. I’d have to say. Lolz. I think nowadays I’m so obsessed about sounding grammatically correct that I can’t get any of my thoughts in. Go figure.

AHHH, for some reason, WordPress to me is like, a really “professional” site. Even the personal blogs are professional in nature. My blog posts are in no way professional. Haha. Even when I do get a “professional” career…my blogs will still not be professional! All the things I feature on here…my thoughts, cards, food…all belong on a hosting site like Blogger. But Idk, for some reason Blogger just seems so archaic to me.

I would switch back to Xanga, because for some reason, even though I noticed that I used to be really, really bitchy back then (AND STILL AM NOW!), I really want all my blogs from 2006 and 2007 to mesh in with my current blog. I don’t know. It’s weird. I used to make so many different blogs because I wanted to escape from my past. I wanted a new start. I would always make a new blog either when school started (because it was the beginning of the new school year) or at the beginning of the real year, so on New Year’s. I mean, I had Xangas…multiple…way before 2006…but hell, I can’t find them. Lolz. Or I might’ve deleted them or something. Man…now I’m kind of preoccupied with finding my old blogs from like…middle/early high school. Haha, Idk why. Geezuz I tried to run from my past so much before, now I want it back? Go figure. Eh, but anyway, it turns out I can’t import blogs. So…I can’t mesh all my found old blogs with this one (not on Xanga anyway…Maybe I can mesh them on here…but that defeats the purpose of finding better themes!)…and I don’t like any of my old usernames, and to change it, I’d need to pay $10. Hell to the no. Whatever, we’ll see.

WORDPRESS NEEDS TO GET BETTER THEMES!

Posted February 11, 2010 by .unpaused. in Musings, Quickie