i raise my hand as if to show you that i was yours   2 comments

that i was so yours for the taking
i’m so yours for the taking and
that’s when i felt the wind pick up
i grab the rail while choking up
these words to say and then you kissed me
i knew it from the start
— 18th floor balcony

Is it just me, or do the Pokemon get uglier by the region?……..Yea Nhu-Y, that’s not at all a nerdy ass question. I mean….take Shiftry for example. That is one ugly ass Pokemon. I mean, even the ghost type Pokemon from the first seasons, Haunter and Ghastly, they were cute! Shiftry is just ugly! And kinda scary! Plusle and Minun are kind cute though, but only because they look like bigger versions of Pichu.

You know what is another indication of my insanity? The fact that I have been obsessed with a singer for the past few days. Like, he’s cute, truth be told. But he’s not like….Daniel Henney (OMG DANIEL HENNEY!), he’s just this kinda cute guy who plays piano and guitar and sings. So I spent the weekend (when I wasn’t running around Ninja Village) playing his performances on Youtube. And it wasn’t like I sat there in front of the screen and watched him. Most of the time I was doing other things or walking around my room or had another window open over the Youtube window. So it’s not like he’s gorgeous or whatever, it depends. I don’t so much like his still photos, I like his performances. And, his story tugs at me. Have you ever met a person who’s been so broken you just want to fix them? It’s the ego in me talking. Like, really? YOU want to FIX somebody? Have you looked at yourself lately?

I am probably one of the most effed up screwed up most unstable person I know. And will ever know. And there I go wanting to fix a broken heart.

Maybe I don’t even need to fix it. Because dudes…..he is fine. Like, he is CUTEEEEEE and talented, I’m sure there have been plenty of girls after the one who messed him up, that have tried to help him. I’m sure he doesn’t need help! But you know, I can’t help the calling. HA! I kinda just wanna fly over to California and stalk him ’till I meet him, and then be friends with him and then be like, I’m cool. Lean on me. Yea. Like, we don’t even have to be lovers, just be my friend, I’ll show you how cool people are.

I hate Youtube. HAHA! It showed me that a video “related” to the one of him performing was one of him being interviewed by Kristine Sa on her Heart2Heart show. And I thought, Oh I’ll watch this and I’ll realize how perfect he is not and I won’t be so obsessed. Well. I realized how perfect he is not. And now I want to transport myself to California and assure him that it’s all OK. Like. Wtf?

God, I really am kinda screwey.

This has been one crazy post. I’m sorry normal people who are reading this. Haha, I’m rereading this and laughing to myself. It’s not substantial enough to calm me down, I’ll probably make up stories about him in my mind for nights to come but, at least it’s all out there. I’M CRAZY. There. Said and done.

—edit—-

He’s on FB. I want to add him. BUT WHY? WHY?????? OH MY GOD どして???

—-another edit—–

You know. He wasn’t even hurt because she was a bad person. It was just some unfortunate happening that drove them apart. How do you compete with that? You know the love’s still there, and always will be. Would you still try?

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Posted June 24, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

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Sometimes I wonder if I would actually be happier if life were different. Scratch that–I can’t be ‘happier’ if I’m not happy. I wonder if I could actually be less sad, if life were different.

You know, the night my father died my mother didn’t call the cops right away. She had us lay in the room with my father’s corpse, on another bed, until morning. And then she just shut down. All night we slept there, I felt nothing, I was practically numb. Through the funeral, I cried because I couldn’t help it. I would be just standing there and tears would just start falling and I would have no clue until they couldn’t be stopped even if they were realized. I was so mad at my Mother. Why couldn’t she toughen up? Why was she sobbing and yelling and screaming and fainting and falling all over the place? When all I could do was stand there. And not feel.

My father spoiled me. He gave me all this love and care and attention that I didn’t really deserve. And now that he’s gone, I have this emptiness in me where his love and attention used to be. His nods and smiles, and drives to dance practice early in the morning and drives home from performances late at night. Who is to fill those spaces? So far I’ve been filling them myself. I can drive myself to practice and from performances. But I can never seem to nod and smile at myself. I think Father accepted me for the person that I’ll never be satisfied with being, that sometimes I hate being, even. He accepted it all. I can’t get over it. On nights, random nights, like these, I miss him so much I almost go insane.

It’ll be three years this August. So long ago, and yet just yesterday. These sobs will clear by the morning and I might not even remember why my eyes are puffed, but a few weeks from now it will happen again. And a few months from then, once again. Sporadically I will have the urge to throw myself off something or…do something else…but I’ll be too scared and ashamed. And I’ll break down. But I’ll get over it. And then again. And again. And again. About three years ago I thought I would be suffering all the time. But who knew that in actuality, no, I’ll be OK for times at a time, and then I’ll remember, and I’ll fall a little bit apart, and I’ll comfort myself enough to leave the house the next morning and, you know, this actually hurts more. If I were a constant unhappy, that would just be that. I would just be unhappy. But this, being able to feel a tad of contentment, and then remember that no, I’m not that OK, that sadness hits harder, like this. Like now.

Posted June 20, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

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I can’t watch Kiem Hiep series. I shouldn’t be allowed to watch them. Because every time I watch them, my mind goes on insane adventures for days. Imaginary adventures that make me wish I were born centuries ago, when chivalry was rare but at least existent–when although life was short, at least it was full.

Of course my mind is insane even when I’m normal, and so the century I want to return to is that of the storybooks. I ignore the fact that in those times people didn’t bathe everyday and along with that I ignore the fact that if I go two days without bathing I get a little crazy.

Maybe my mind just feeds on my always existent, no matter how low it lays, wish to be away from here. This place, these people. This time. And when I watch a Kiem Hiep series or something, my mind latches on to that time, because it fulfills my desire to be away. Away to when life was simple. When people were expected to leave their homes and go on adventures. Instead of being locked in their rooms because it’s dangerous outside.

Ah, now I’m just ranting. I know, I have been terrible at keeping this blog updated. In the next few days you’ll see random picture posts as I once again attempt to catch up, and then maybe something substantial. Maybe at a more reasonable time I might go back and make this post better and more understandable, even, but don’t count on it.

Chya! I’m off to waste a few more hours of my night laying in bed in the dark dreaming up a romance that wouldn’t exist even in the movies. Intrigued? 🙂

Posted June 19, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings, Quickie

quay về đi quay về đi bao yêu dấu ngày đầu   Leave a comment

mưa còn rơi hay lòng em vẫn cứ mãi nguyện cầu
dù cho ngày sau không bên nhau xin mưa hãy môt lần
mưa ơi mang anh quay về đi
–quay về đi

DSC_0001
–Look what I got from C. Phuong!–

She’s so flipping awesome. The Pooh bear is to block out my address.

She also sent me a copy of my youth group’s yearbook, which was so great of her. She’s so cool.

One of my many cooking experiments:

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–Thich kho!–

And…I finally got this because I had a feeling that it might be taken by someone else sometime soon.

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–The Pooh Piggy bank will be mine. The other one is…well…a secret!–

🙂

Posted June 11, 2010 by .unpaused. in Uncategorized

những lúc thấy nhớ anh em vẫn hay bật khóc
   1 comment

cảm thấy quá khó để luôn ở bên cạnh anh
buông tay nhẹ mong nương theo cơn gió,
chợt thấy cô đơn lấp đầy,
khoãnh khắc ngọt ngào mãi mãi trôi xa từ đây
–ánh mắt ấm áp

Haha, wanna hear something kinda sad? In the past month you’re the only one from the States that I’ve been talking to regularly. Except for Thien An who made some random and annoying comments about me teaching her Japanese, and T— because I told her I’d gotten her something (that’s not true, a little less than a month ago she commented me about Winnie the Pooh, which was nice of her, always a sweetheart)…I had to go back through my wall just to make sure it’s really been a month, which made me a little sadder cuz it really has been almost a month since any of the other girls even FB commented me. I guess I didn’t actually expect a lot of contact from the rest of the girls, I mean, they did make me that video from the HS Tinh Tam thing, which took time. I do realize, like any normal person does, that everyone has their own lives. I guess when I was still in the states I was just convenient, whereas now that I’m in Japan I’m no longer convenient. You know how sometimes people who go to college far away come back for break and people are all like HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! Well, pathetic as it is, I was glad I was going to Japan because I thought that when I get back I would get a HEYYYY WELCOME BACK! too. But now a part of me kinda just wishes that no one welcomes me back, I won’t believe them. If they welcome me back, I might get fooled into believing I was missed, whereas in reality it’s really just because they now have someone to do tasks for them and someone to transfer their stress to. If they don’t welcome me back, it’ll make it easier for me to leave, I’ll realize it hard. Anyway, I’m not bitter, just pensive. Maybe one of the reasons why I like to travel is because if I’m away all the time, I can make myself believe that the reason why people aren’t close to me or forgot about me is because I’m always away and never there, and not because they forgot because they forgot. <— I might blog this. Haha, don't be surprised if you're on my blog and you see this exact paragraph. I should be putting this thinking into my papers…Oh how I get distracted.

—–
An excerpt from an email I sent to a friend in the States. HA! SEE?! I really am blogging it!
——-

I grew to find out a long time ago that people never have enough time. I hardly ever have enough time in the day…and I don't even do anything. And that's why a long time ago, after I figured that people never have enough time, I also figured that people with no time need space, and so I stopped depending on people and looking forward to things that include…well, people. Plans change. Things come up. Never with me, but that's cuz my life is boring. And so, I can't say that I blame anyone for the nonconstant (not a word!) contact (inconsistent! That's what I meant. Ha.). Sometimes it takes me awhile to reply to people. Sometimes I forget. Most of the time I forget and then pretend I did not. And the same applies for others. They are halfway across the world from me. The time zone difference is extremely vast. Except for a few brief hours, whenever they are awake, I am probably asleep, and vice versa. And, they're not even my age. They're younger and not as traumatized. They have a lot more of a will to live. Those around them are the same as them. They share the same interests, the same taste. Even when I was just a 40 minute car ride away, I was still too different. How can I be similar to them now? Similar and familiar enough for effort?

Long ago, I also realized that I have an inclination for chastising needy people. I…harsh as it may sound…abhor clingy people. And so I try not to cling. I don't attach myself to people, because attaching myself to people would create in me a fear of letting go, which would transfer into actions that reflect the kind of person I dislike the most. This is why when I fall in love and find that person of whom it would hurt to let go, Reed will point at me and laugh. And I will say to him, Reed…laugh as you will, because this is never happening. Ever again. I take random detours.

My attempts to not latch on to people for the most part transfer into nonchalance. Well, maybe the reason why they haven't contacted me is because I haven't contacted them. Who is to draw honestly the line between keeping in contact and being needy? I would very much like the former, but fear the latter, and so do nothing as so not to give the latter a chance. But what of when I do contact them, sporadic emails, that garner no response? What then? Should I continue sending random updates of my life? Maybe tell them of how I fell off my bike and almost sprained my ankle again, of how I slept in the attic of an abandoned farmhouse and came back to civilization with bites all over? Of how, I miss dancing, and my violin, and going out to DC to eat some crabs. And most of all, my worries of being forgotten. Before I left this fear was already rising in me. I am very easily forgotten, I know. I do not look the part of someone important to remember, and so what right do I have to claim any part of anyone's mind? What if they think my worries are silly?

Is this being needy? Whether it is or not, I don't like the feeling.

Why, may you ask, does this bother me so? If it is apparently something I figured out a long time ago?

Well, because, this is not a phase. This is not something that happened because I'm far away. This is my life, as it is, all the time. Even when I lived just a few counties away, even when it was possible to meet up at the mall, we never did. They were always plans to be made, things to do that never happened. It is not because I am halfway across the world that it is hard to keep in contact. That is the way it is, all the time. Nowadays I have no idea what they're going through in their daily lives. Before, back in the States, and in the future, back in the States, I never knew and will still never know what they're going through in their daily lives. This is not to chastise or scold. None of us need try harder or put forth more effort, it's just a realization. Before, long before, I sensed it. I brushed it off. I saw them every Saturday for dance practice, that was enough. But now, I've actually realized it, and I must come to accept it. I am the captain. The choreographer. The dance buddy. That is all.

Sadly enough, my life was created so much around my parish that when I go back, that is what I will return to. It's not terrible. They are good company when they have time on those Saturdays. When I come back, they will be kind. They will welcome me and make me feel silly. And I will start to fall back into the same routine. And every now and then I will be sitting around when it hits me again…what am I to these girls? What are they to me? I won't have an answer. But it will make me sad. And some months from when I come back I will leave again. Being forgotten because you are never around is much more acceptable than being forgotten because you are easy to forget. And if I was completely fooled again into a happy pattern with them then I will be sad when I have to leave. And we will make promises to Skype often, and to exchange emails and to keep in touch. And we will not keep those promises. If I somehow weasel myself out of being fooled, I will be just as sad when I leave. And we will make the same promises. But it will be more understandable and not as surprising when those promises, neither side keeps.

—–

I hope that no one has remembered my blog address either. Otherwise I might be in for a confrontation, a scene of which I have no fondness for.

—-

The world will not make time for me, nor will it wait. And so, I will not make time for the world, nor will I wait. <—–Rannnnndommmmmm.

Posted June 4, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Musings

va khi toi vui thi toi hat   Leave a comment

khi toi dau thi toi khoc
se trut het nhung dang cay trong long
– gioi han nao cho chung ta

I don’t think I’ve ever posted so much in so short a time. I’d been really bad with keeping up with this blog and so, the past few days was my attempt at catching up. A lot of the things I posted happened months ago, that’s how behind I was. But that’s all OK now, because I am currently fully caught up. : )

Soooooo, as most people might now, I have an obsession with three things.
1. Winnie the Pooh (who is my soulmate and lover).
2. School supplies, planners, notebooks, and the sort.
3. Purses, wallets, and the sort.

My obsession with Winnie the Pooh Bear will probably never be satisfied.

Idk why I have such a need for notebooks, I never have anything interesting to write in them, and who knows what my thing is with planners, I never go anywhere so all the dates are always empty! But these things are just so easy to find, and so easy to be pretty that it’s hard to avoid.

Purses and wallets though, I can be very, very picky about. And purses and wallets cost a bit of money, so I’m not too terrible on this front. Japan, however, has some really great purses and wallets. Just in my train station alone there are two shops selling…relatively affordable purses and wallets. So, I need one, and I told myself that I’d buy one, or so, to use while I’m in Japan, maybe something a bit rugged. And then before I left the country I’d reward myself with a brand new, perfect purse, and a wallet or two. Well, here’s what I ended up buying the other week.

DSC_0009–A planner for 100Yen and an address book.–

The planner is a monthly view planner, which is perfect for now. I was going to buy myself a fancy organizer, planner thing when I got back home, but for now I think I can make due with the above planner, at least until the new year.

I was also going to get an address book when I got home, who the hell knows why, but then I went to the 105Yen shop at the station next to ours, and they were selling the binder and inserts at 105Yen apiece. So I bought the binder and all the necessary inserts to make it an address book. Yay! It’ll hold me off until the new year, I hope!

DSC_0006–A cardholder–

Isn’t it just the cutest thing?! Back at home I have a lot more cards for things, so it’ll be more filled up.

DSC_0008–Coin purse!–

DSC_0004–Wallet–

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Ok, so why’d I buy three wallet things instead of just using the pink wallet, which itself has a lot of room? Well, in the past I’ve learned that when you overstuff things, they tend to break, practically dismantle at the seams. And I am a perfectionist. When something starts breaking, I just can’t handle it. I need something new. Materialistic, I know. But isn’t a girl entitled to pretty things? In America I don’t carry that much cash. I usually just leave the house with my cards, makes it easier now that my cards are separated from my wallet. Also means that my wallet will last longer since it won’t be stuffed to breaking point.

Anyway, I was going to buy myself a new wallet before leaving but I’m loving my pink one tooooooo much. I might just be satisfied with it. Wow, right?

I managed to find Yoga Institute (Korean horror film) and watched it today. Confused the crap outta me.

Know what I’m really craving right now? Some steamed crabs under a sprinkling of Old Bay Seasoning…Gahhhhh mouth waterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrs. Reed promised me a trip to the Dancing Crab a few days after I get back. Man….I kinda want to go to Grad School at American U, not because they have really good programs that speak to me, but because the University is within walking distance of the Dancing Crab. Hahaha.

Speaking of Reed, he leaves Australia to return to America in a few days. Yup. After Sunday our time differences will be too vast for regular chats. He’s also traveling a lot so who knows how much internet he’ll get? I need to be better at keeping up with this blog.

Ermm….there was something else I’d wanted to talk about regarding “returns,” but that’ll have to wait ’till later. I wanted to just do catch ups for now. I have a paper to write and some Japanese to study. Starting tomorrow we’re going to do all our Japanese lessons in Hiragana, which I STILL HAVE NOT MEMORIZED. GAH! I’m screwed.

Posted June 2, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Picture-ed

Kyoto Trips Thus Far Continued   2 comments

My second trip to Kyoto was a bit more relaxing. It had its….Argh…moments, but overall I liked the trip better than the first time. I went with a smaller group of people and we took our time, and even though we were taking our time, we managed to get to three places, and finished pretty early.

The first place we went to was Nijo Castle. We weren’t allowed to take photographs inside the actual Castle building, so all the pics are from outside.

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The Castle itself was pretty awesome. It had a legit Nightingale Floor and everything! (A Nightingale Floor is basically a floor made of wood that squeaks with every step, alerting the Shogun and his men of possible assassins. How to know if you’re a boss ninja/assassin? Walking on the Floor without make it squeak. Or flying and taking the Floor factor out complete <—A bit of interesting-ness for you non-nerds out there. Don’t ask me how I know this stuff. No, it was not told to us at the castle. I knew way beforehand.) My friends and I tried to sneak around on the Floor to see if we could take even one step without provoking it but, alas, it always sang. The guards seemed to find us amusing though.

The art in the Castle was also really amazing. So beautiful. It’s a shame that I couldn’t take any pictures, but the signs said something about preserving the art and stuff so, ah well. I got a buncha postcards though that depicted some of the art, but they were all sent off. Lolz.

After Nijo Castle we headed to the Heian Shrine. We got kinda lost and so, took something of a detour.

DSC_0063–Enjoying the River–DSC_0064–He thought I couldn’t see him sneaking up on me or something??–DSC_0069–Pooh to trying to push people off bridges!–DSC_0078–Girls Unite!–DSC_0079
We sidetracked into an alley shop….And this is what boys do while girls shop:
DSC_0083Yup.

So after the shop we realized we were going the wrong way and turned around.

DSC_0118–Was on a wall of a building in the street. Cool, HUH?!–

Happened upon a little shrine in the midst of tall buildings.

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After climbing up a slight hill, we finally made it to the Heian Shrine.
DSC_0122DSC_0135DSC_0138DSC_0134DSC_0141(This Photo courtesy of S.S.)DSC_0150(This Photo courtesy of S.S.)

I spent the entire time at the Shrine just kinda sitting outside. It was soooooooo nice. For some reason I loved the feeling of the Shrine. So S.S. took my camera but apparently they didn’t allow pictures of inside the main buildings either so boo.

After the Shrine we decided to take a taxi to Kiyomizu Temple. The taxi fare split between the 4 of us was only a little more than if we’d taken the bus.

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Kiyomizu Temple:
DSC_0172DSC_0177DSC_0178DSC_0182DSC_0185DSC_0186DSC_0187DSC_0199–Cool! A wish thingy written in Thai. I saw some English ones later too.–
DSC_0211DSC_0218–Daiki after a long day…–
DSC_0222DSC_0224DSC_0225DSC_0227(This Photo Courtesy of S.S.)
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I really, really liked Kiyomizu Temple. The place was packed with tourists and students, but the walk through the whole place was great. Wonderful views, serene even with all the chatter.

After Kiyomizu we took the train to Gion Corner. It was still wayyyy early in the day so nothing cool was happening.

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And since nothing was happening, we just stopped by this bar place and had dinner. My dinner was delicious! I had some mussels, not enough, I might add, and a seafood pasta. The place seemed kind of upscale and we totally did not fit in. Daiki was literally falling alseep at the table, and Sharlen thought it appropriate to stick a breadstick in his mouth…or was it his nose..?…and he blew up when he woke. I didn’t take any pictures, I was way too tired and too lazy to take out my huge camera. Can you tell I’m trying to make an argument for myself to buy the goshdamn PointandShoot? Haha. What did I learn from the dinner? You can dress them up, but you can’t take them out. This group is appropriate only for the ramen shops. Is that mean? Yes, I don’t care.

P.S. Sorry for some of the huge pictures. It’s too time consuming and difficult to go back and take the medium size of those photos and then figure them back in. I’ll try to be more careful next time.

Posted June 2, 2010 by .unpaused. in Life, Picture-ed